Depression, Addiction, self-medicating

Where to start with this post about depression, addiction, self-medicating. Along with wit depression or any mental health issue, the first step to recovery is admitting to yourself that you have a problem. So I have never admitted to myself or anyone else that I have been addicted to anything, I have drunk to excess since I was a teenager, that carried on in the army and now I sit and write this I guess all my life. I always have been an all or nothing, I have gone months without a drop. There have been points in my life where there have been other vices with the drink and again it was all or nothing. Having never bought into the addictive personality thing like I say I have dropped things for long periods of time. I have not touched any recreational drugs in over 20 years and know I never will again. I went from smoking 40+ a day to quitting overnight that was 15 years ago and again I know I will never smoke again.

So why is it that whenever the black dog comes barking in my head do I go back to self-medicating with booze and yes it’s all or nothing, I can’t do a glass of wine or a few cans, I dare not get tonic or the gin that’s sat here for god knows how long would go as well and most probably in one go. I stopped the prescription antidepressants months ago as they turned me into a zombie, self-imposed lockdown but worse than what we are all doing now, I lost days at a time not knowing where I was or what I was doing. I guess one saving grace on this lockdown is that I have not gone to the shops to get booze and have restricted myself in general and have managed my intake pretty well.

The past

In the past, I have made pledges to certain people to curb my drinking and have done it, but in reality, it has cost me so much in life, even going back to my time in the Army drink cost me dearly on more than one occasion. I was Ian the drinker, I would kick the arse out of it and end up in the shit, twice leading to times in the regimental jail. The second cost me promotion and progression in my career, did I Learn the simple answer is no, did I listen again no I knew better didn’t I, thought I was the lad, in reality, I was a fool.

New beginnings

So what has brought me to here today, to put words down and write this post about depression, addiction, self-medicating? I feel alone, it is strange not having Ffion and Frank here on a Sunday, I had Ffion for most of the week so she is at home this weekend. The lockdown and isolation compound the matter, even though I am not the most social animal there is social interaction I do miss, even a trip to the shop you would strike up a conversation, now we all keep the distance do our bit in and out, the only conversation being would you like cash back, no thanks got no need for cash at the moment.

Yesterday I put an audiobook on and listened to the whole book. Russell Brand Addiction, I went off the bloke a few years back with all his political bollox, but he actually talks sense and as he says in the book he has been there. I have brushed it under the carpet over and over, after listening to the audiobook I downloaded the exercises and I am starting them, writing it all down in one of the numerous notebooks I have laying around. This morning I did my mindfulness, my meditation, I filled in my gratitude journal. I have taken the first steps, I will get on the road to recovery from depression, addiction, self-medicating.

So what next

I know I need to change things, I know what I need to do and how to do it. Another chapter moving on letting the past go but learning from it, I have other addictions I need to work on as well and will probably write another post regarding those, the plan is to put all of this into a book to chronicle my fight and how I have and how I continue to fight it. I am not looking for pity or anything like that, writing helps me along with the cooking, even with the cooking I am writing down the recipes etc and putting them on my other site. I wanted to keep both sides of the journey separate but together if that makes sense.

In the coming weeks I plan on doing a lot more of my meditation and will be recording some guided meditations to add to this site, they do work and I can honestly say they have been one of my saving graces. Another is a very small group of people who I talk to who check-in I will not name them here but they know who they are, they have got me out of the deepest holes at times I saw no way out, without talking to them I don’t know where I would be now.

Anyway it’s Sunday and I have another cooking video to do, chicken jalfrezi today, see another addiction but in general a healthy one that brings joy not hurt.

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