the darkest thoughts

I have lost count of the days that I lost just laying in bed having the darkest thoughts. Each day just the same as the last, I had become a zombie with little to no interest in anything at all. I was living for weekends when I would have my daughter and the dog. During the lowest points of those days, I often thought what was the point? why was I here? I ran things through my head. The thoughts scared me filled me with fear and dread. Some of the thoughts were so dark and I would run it over and over.

There is a big difference in suicide and suicidal, though both of the same thought process and mindset.

Statistics and trends

They are very scary statistics, sadly the stigma surrounding mental health still exists despite the high profile campaigns etc.

How would it end?

I often thought about how I would do it, how I would end the darkest thoughts, end the pain. In reality, the pain never ends it just passes to those closest to you, those who love you unconditionally.

I hate taking pills so that wasn’t an option, couldn’t hang myself, cut myself nope again not an option, jump of something again nope.

I knew and had gone through it in my head so many times, it had to be water. Water has always had a draw to me be it swimming in the river as kids, I love to be in or on water, paddleboarding, kayak, wild swimming. Most of my walks are near water be it the canal, the coast, the river or the waterfalls in the mountains.

One day

One day I found myself in the car on the way to the sea. I had decided today was the day. There wouldn’t be many if any people at a secluded beach in atrocious weather.

Music on I knew exactly where I was going, in my mind the darkest thoughts, the pain I was in had to come to an end. I drove down the dual carriageway towards Newport, down Malpas road and onto the M4, heading west. As I approached Tredegar house a song came on that jolted me, snapped my mind out of its thought process, technically this is called breaking state. Pulling off the motorway I drove around to Tredegar park, parked up, turned the engine off and cried like a baby. Picking up my phone the screen saver opened which is a picture of me and Ffion. This brought me back to my senses. As I do every day I gave gratitude for her being in my life. I tell her in one way or another that I love her every day. I used to do the same with Lewis.

Sitting there I opened my phone and sent her a message just a simple I Love You Tinker x

Fear

At the basic level, fear guides our fight or flight responses and helps to keep us safe and alive. Fear heightens your senses and awareness; it keeps you alert and helps in better preparation. The negative side of fear is when it holds you back from doing something positive.

My fear at that point was never holding my tinker again, never having a pint with my boy. They say we only grow on the other side of fear, fear can help us to

Focus and concentration.
Heighten Awareness
Acknowledgement and Enlightenment
Preparation and Planning.
Dissect Extremes.
Remove Barriers.
Break Routine.

Positive Fear

There are other positive aspects to fear and breaking out of the comfort zone.

This post has been in draft for a while, I have held my finger over the publish button a few times and then just saved the draft.

Constantly I say we need to have the conversation regarding mental health every day not just some random week in the year. My purpose in my writing is to raise awareness to let others know they are not alone and that there are plenty out there suffering the exact same feelings.

Please feel free to share among friends, among social media groups that you are in, and please, please, please talk. Check-in on the ones you have not seen in a while those that have strangely gone quiet. And as always I am here at any time of the day or night to listen.

I am thinking of setting up a group where we get together to talk, go for walks maybe even cook and just talk bollocks together, I have lots of thoughts in my head at the moment on my direction and purpose but one thing for sure they are positive not the darkest thoughts I did have, and the only time I will be walking into the sea is for fun, I am trying to get in there soon just have to work the timing between the seasonal storms. There are many health benefits to cold water be it contrast showers or wild swimming but that’s another post.

Love to you all x

day by day

I get by day by day at the moment, each day different. Today started well, a reason to get up to take Frank to the groomers for his regular claw trim. It’s down to me to take him and it’s not his favourite outing. He goes early to avoid other dogs etc and to not stress him more than necessary. There dropped off back home, a quick stop at the shops and back here by 9.15.

The feeling of general wellness soon took a turn for the worse. As I have written before I have had issues with Universal Credit, like many others I find the whole system flawed and not fit for purpose. I logged on to the system this morning to check my journal and statement, the image on the screen plunged me back into the dark, from a sense of ok I am now as I write this in the very dark hole I am trying to climb out of. My statement for this months payment showed zero.

Empty and Alone

I immediately was overcome with massive anxiety a feeling of dread and fear. How could this be happening again? The feeling of total emptiness, a total lack of self-worth, hate, useless. I can at this point really not see a way out of this, what is the point. The inner voices my demons are at this point very strong, I will not let them win, they are my deepest darkest thoughts and voices. I feel so alone and scared but they will not take me down.

I sit here crying holding a pillow, there is no energy, no fight left, both mentally and physically totally drained. Writing this is my way of keeping a journal of what happened and when. How I got through each phase of the journey. By writing it now at this moment it helps to focus my mind on something else, I have no idea if any of it makes sense.

There are those thoughts, the same dark thoughts that have been there most of this year, they are that though just my thoughts. There is no way I would act on them, it is not an answer or solution to my problems. Still, they are there, how easy it would be, of exactly how. Those deep dark demons that talk to me and scare me that in some ways give me the strength to carry on day by day.

Outdoors

At this moment I need to get out. There is a need to be outdoors among nature, in the woods among the trees. Skins waterproof I won’t melt, the pros far outweigh the cons. I also need to sort my prescription as I am now out of my meds. In the past, I would self medicate with booze but all that does is make me feel worse. A good walk, fresh air away from all distractions, home and cook one of my comfort foods, a wild mushroom and bacon risotto. A salt bath, some music and my book, I am not going anywhere else today, today I can’t adult and be human. I will not put this on others. I truly do give gratitude for those that are and always have been there. Giving gratitude for what we do have gives a purpose, it helps.

I may update this later I may not, let us see how the day goes, day by day hour by hour, live in the moment, take lessons from the past and give gratitude for every small thing you have.