I honestly do not remember the last decent night’s sleep I had. That’s not saying I haven’t spent a lot of time in my bed, it’s just not spent sleeping. Since starting the antidepressants my sleep pattern has been rather erratic, to say the least. This is one of the side effects of the medication. I will often still be awake at 3 or 4 in the morning the telly on. If you asked the next day what I had watched then I wouldn’t have a clue. None of it very taxing on the mind just background noise to keep me company.
When I do go to bed I use the Calm app. There are guided meditations and sleep stories in the app. I also do mindful breathing exercises to help me get to sleep. It is not so much the getting to sleep that’s an issue it is the staying asleep. Actually getting a decent amount of restorative sleep.
Insomnia
I am averaging about 4 hours sleep in total most nights. This is far from perfect and only compounds the other issues that I currently have. I know the things I should do to create a better sleeping pattern and regime. Again its an area I have neglected recently, I know the answers, I advise and tell people what they should do. I have listed below what we all know and what is advised for better sleep patterns. Yes, I am the worse person for actually following my own advice. I’m currently in a rut and the only person that can get me out is myself.
It is all part and parcel of my mental health journey, the journey that I am on right now. If by journaling my journey and openly speaking of the issues I have now helped just one person then that to me is a result.
Quick Sleep Tips
Follow these tips to establish healthy sleep habits:
- Keep a consistent sleep schedule. Get up at the same time every day, even on weekends or during vacations.
- Set a bedtime that is early enough for you to get at least 7 hours of sleep.
- Don’t go to bed unless you are sleepy.
- If you don’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, get out of bed.
- Establish a relaxing bedtime routine.
- Use your bed only for sleeping and sex.
- Make your bedroom quiet and relaxing. Keep the room at a comfortable, cool temperature.
- Limit exposure to bright light in the evenings.
- Turn off electronic devices at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
- Don’t eat a large meal before bedtime. If you are hungry at night, eat a light, healthy snack.
- Exercise regularly and maintain a healthy diet.
- Avoid consuming caffeine in the late afternoon or evening.
- Avoid consuming alcohol before bedtime.
- Reduce your fluid intake before bedtime.
I get by day by day at the moment, each day different. Today started well, a reason to get up to take Frank to the groomers for his regular claw trim. It’s down to me to take him and it’s not his favourite outing. He goes early to avoid other dogs etc and to not stress him more than necessary. There dropped off back home, a quick stop at the shops and back here by 9.15.
The feeling of general wellness soon took a turn for the worse. As I have written before I have had issues with Universal Credit, like many others I find the whole system flawed and not fit for purpose. I logged on to the system this morning to check my journal and statement, the image on the screen plunged me back into the dark, from a sense of ok I am now as I write this in the very dark hole I am trying to climb out of. My statement for this months payment showed zero.
Empty and Alone
I immediately was overcome with massive anxiety a feeling of dread and fear. How could this be happening again? The feeling of total emptiness, a total lack of self-worth, hate, useless. I can at this point really not see a way out of this, what is the point. The inner voices my demons are at this point very strong, I will not let them win, they are my deepest darkest thoughts and voices. I feel so alone and scared but they will not take me down.
I sit here crying holding a pillow, there is no energy, no fight left, both mentally and physically totally drained. Writing this is my way of keeping a journal of what happened and when. How I got through each phase of the journey. By writing it now at this moment it helps to focus my mind on something else, I have no idea if any of it makes sense.
There are those thoughts, the same dark thoughts that have been there most of this year, they are that though just my thoughts. There is no way I would act on them, it is not an answer or solution to my problems. Still, they are there, how easy it would be, of exactly how. Those deep dark demons that talk to me and scare me that in some ways give me the strength to carry on day by day.
Outdoors
At this moment I need to get out. There is a need to be outdoors among nature, in the woods among the trees. Skins waterproof I won’t melt, the pros far outweigh the cons. I also need to sort my prescription as I am now out of my meds. In the past, I would self medicate with booze but all that does is make me feel worse. A good walk, fresh air away from all distractions, home and cook one of my comfort foods, a wild mushroom and bacon risotto. A salt bath, some music and my book, I am not going anywhere else today, today I can’t adult and be human. I will not put this on others. I truly do give gratitude for those that are and always have been there. Giving gratitude for what we do have gives a purpose, it helps.
I may update this later I may not, let us see how the day goes, day by day hour by hour, live in the moment, take lessons from the past and give gratitude for every small thing you have.
At this moment in time, I honestly do not know where my head is, mental health has no defined criteria in who or when it hits. I don’t know if its the medication I taking for the depression, is it the depression itself, is it the mind and mindset. Recently I have just been existing day by day, hour by hour. Is it the weather? the seasonal shit, grey and dank, dark early. My sleep pattern is all over the place. Often still awake at 2-3 am and awake again at 7, awake does not mean I get up. Going for a pee and fill my water bottle then just lay there until midday.
I am finding it hard to focus and to do anything, my mental health lower than I have ever known. Quite often I can’t even be bothered to tell Alexa to play music, neglecting my mindfulness. As for my reading if I do a page or two then that’s a result currently. I wish my mind was racing and jumping from place to place but sadly it’s numb, it’s empty, cloudy, fuzzy. A constant dull ache that has been there since I started the medication. Painkillers don’t shift it, with the lack of decent sleep I have no energy.
Cancelling
Plans made then cancelled, excuses made hiding away indoors. I truly hate doing it, I try with all that I have but that inner voice keeps nagging away. Today I was going for a walk but cancelled last minute, I had arranged to take Ffion for pizza for tea. The twat of an inner voice was at me all-day, my mental health is not in a good place, this time it was me telling it that we were going for that pizza. Forcing myself out collecting Ffion and taking her for Pizza.
Anxiety
After dropping Ffion back home I had to go to the shop as there was nothing in for tea. I was literally in and out of the shop in five minutes, the convenience of a chicken pie bunged in the oven as I had a glass of wine and watch MasterChef. I felt so anxious in the shop hence just grabbing something quickly with no thought at all.
The phone has rung a few times the last few days, choosing to not answer and reply with a text later. My head just not in the frame of mind to have a conversation with anyone. I truly do appreciate these calls it is just too hard to answer and have a conversation. Today I give gratitude to those special people who I know are there whenever. So another night in by myself, curtains shut the outside world closed from view. Will I be asleep at a decent time who knows, will I sleep when I go to bed, time will tell.
Those are my words for today, for those, I let down recently I truly am sorry. The calls I have not answered again my apologise to you. I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. This current situation will not last and will not beat me, I will beat it and will be back stronger than before. Take care people x
