Dark

There’s no structure to this I am just writing what is in my head, just putting down the words as they come out. Stuck in a dark place.

I woke up around 7 I had no desire at all to get out of bed, I have no reason or purpose for getting up today, I lack self-drive and have little enthusiasm for doing anything at all.  as normal the first thing I do is pick my phone up and go through the normal same everyday routine, facebook. Instagram, mail, back to facebook in case I missed something in the two minutes I haven’t been on there, so many of us do this so many of us let social media use us and steal our time, I stay in bed only getting up to go to the toilet and get some water.

I can’t even be bothered to make a brew, I lay in bed until about 11 then get up make a brew and move from the bed to the sofa, can’t be arsed to even put any music on, I check the job sites, I desperately need work. I have nothing at all, my universal credit is under review I’ve had 109 in 3 months, since I finished work at the museum, I’ve applied for literally hundreds of jobs in that time but nothing is forthcoming just now, I’ve sold most things that I had of any worth, my kayak, kitchen stuff, garden tools.  Due to the universal credit fuck up, I’m behind on my rent.

Right now as I’m writing this it has taken my thoughts from where they were, why am I here, what purpose am I serving, what is the point, I’m no good to anyone right now.

I know that I won’t go down that path but it doesn’t stop the mind going there, the thoughts are there I know everything I’m supposed to do and I do it, I do my mindfulness and yes it does change my feeling for the time being, I get out in fresh air and yes that helps, I eat in 90% of the time a healthy diet, I’ve drastically cut back on the drink as I know that does me no good physically or mentally.

The main thing I need is structure and work I would take any work but due to my back problems that rule out quite a bit.

I am not looking for sympathy of any kind, I know that my mental health is my doing, I’m in this dark place, like this because of me, not anybody else, they say that it is a state of mind and that we can change that state, as I say the mindfulness and getting out does change that state but not permanently, there are very dark times and  very good times, I know I have a few people who I can talk to at any time and they are always there, my time with Ffion is also a massive good and I always feel good when shes here, even if she messes my books up and makes my OCD go mad lol

I cherish my time out with a very special person, even if it’s just walking along the canal or around the boating lake.

Today I am at a very low point and I’m trying to climb out of the hole and get away from the dark.

I give gratitude that I do have a roof over my head, for clean water to drink, I give gratitude that I know how to make the most of the cheaper cuts of meat and how t make them go as far as I can, I give gratitude for my friends and give gratitude for being alive, no matter how dark the thoughts are I can not let them take control because that scares me so much.

Writing does take the mind away as well I consider it a form of mindfulness, though writing this has not been very mindful at all. 

I need to get out I need to escape, I need to get away, I need to be free from the dark.

I have no focus right now, I have no clarity, I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going, the inner voices tell me that everything will be ok but the outer noise tells me differently, I know I have to listen to my inner voice and that everything will be ok, that this is temporary and that yes it will be ok that there will be structure and focus, purpose and drive but right now I can’t see it or feel it.

I have no idea what I’ve written and I’m not going to read back over it at this point, I have just written down what is in my head at this point, so I know the grammar and the punctuation will be all over the place a bit like the mind that it is coming from.

I am looking out the window at the woods nearby, sheep in the fields and the steady falling of rain, I am going to get dressed and go for a walk, skin is waterproof and I won’t melt, I need to be outdoors, I need the air and the solitude that being in the woods brings to me, the daylight be it grey and dull will still benefit me and clear the mind.

Words just seem to flow when I’m in these states of mind, the only issue is they are all too often just for me, I find it difficult to express them to others and lie to those that ask when I saw a counsellor I knew every answer before she had asked a question, I’ve trained and read so much on the subject for the last several years that its easy to lie and say exactly what they want you to say, get the tick in the box that says all is well with Ian no need to see him again, to then get home and tell myself that I’m an idiot that I do need that help, I am great at giving advice at talking to others, my ears are always open and I’m always there just that I fail to be there for myself or to listen to my own advice.

I am going to post this on my blog and I think I shall make a habit of writing my story and the things I do that help me get by day to day, you never know they may help me to get where I need to be, but for now I need to be out, but first ill check the job boards and chase up those that I have applied for.

Work, structure and purpose are what I need right now.

Enjoy your day people much love to you all.

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