I get by day by day at the moment, each day different. Today started well, a reason to get up to take Frank to the groomers for his regular claw trim. It’s down to me to take him and it’s not his favourite outing. He goes early to avoid other dogs etc and to not stress him more than necessary. There dropped off back home, a quick stop at the shops and back here by 9.15.

The feeling of general wellness soon took a turn for the worse. As I have written before I have had issues with Universal Credit, like many others I find the whole system flawed and not fit for purpose. I logged on to the system this morning to check my journal and statement, the image on the screen plunged me back into the dark, from a sense of ok I am now as I write this in the very dark hole I am trying to climb out of. My statement for this months payment showed zero.

Empty and Alone

I immediately was overcome with massive anxiety a feeling of dread and fear. How could this be happening again? The feeling of total emptiness, a total lack of self-worth, hate, useless. I can at this point really not see a way out of this, what is the point. The inner voices my demons are at this point very strong, I will not let them win, they are my deepest darkest thoughts and voices. I feel so alone and scared but they will not take me down.

I sit here crying holding a pillow, there is no energy, no fight left, both mentally and physically totally drained. Writing this is my way of keeping a journal of what happened and when. How I got through each phase of the journey. By writing it now at this moment it helps to focus my mind on something else, I have no idea if any of it makes sense.

There are those thoughts, the same dark thoughts that have been there most of this year, they are that though just my thoughts. There is no way I would act on them, it is not an answer or solution to my problems. Still, they are there, how easy it would be, of exactly how. Those deep dark demons that talk to me and scare me that in some ways give me the strength to carry on day by day.

Outdoors

At this moment I need to get out. There is a need to be outdoors among nature, in the woods among the trees. Skins waterproof I won’t melt, the pros far outweigh the cons. I also need to sort my prescription as I am now out of my meds. In the past, I would self medicate with booze but all that does is make me feel worse. A good walk, fresh air away from all distractions, home and cook one of my comfort foods, a wild mushroom and bacon risotto. A salt bath, some music and my book, I am not going anywhere else today, today I can’t adult and be human. I will not put this on others. I truly do give gratitude for those that are and always have been there. Giving gratitude for what we do have gives a purpose, it helps.

I may update this later I may not, let us see how the day goes, day by day hour by hour, live in the moment, take lessons from the past and give gratitude for every small thing you have.

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