Depressed

I find myself in a deep dark depressed hole, alone and scared, not knowing where to turn or what to do, I have done everything I possibly can and still I’m getting nowhere, the only time I don’t have these feelings and thoughts is when I am with Ffion.

The Universal credits system is a total and utter farce with little to no help, due to incorrect reporting by HMRC I have had no money at all for two months, the only way I have had money for food etc is by selling my possessions, I have rent arrears and am now threatened with a notice of repossession by the housing association.

I have made an appointment for the doctor regarding my current mental health the earliest appointment is the 21^st of the month, I have rung over and over to attempt to get an earlier appointment explaining its regarding my mental health but there is nothing available.

I have applied for an emergency discretionary payment but have not been successful, it seems I do not know how to work the system in ways others seem to be able to.

I have applied to the council for assistance and am waiting on feedback from them.

On average I apply for about half a dozen jobs a day, I do what I can but I am slowly losing the will.

My sleep pattern is all over the place, I have little or no desire most days to do anything other than chase DWP and apply for jobs, when I do get out for a walk it does help for that brief period of time that I am out, I do my mindfulness and again that helps to clear the dark shit that rattles around in my head.

I am lucky I do have a few close friends that I can and do talk to and for that I truly am grateful.

I can totally understand and see why people give up with the farce that is Universal Credits, they tell you to update your journal and then do not respond, you get passed from pillar to post and get no clear answers from anywhere.

I have no idea where I go from here, no idea what I do, the system is fucked and those above give no fucks at all, they are all so far detached from reality that its quite scary, they say they care but its just news piece talk, they say they are tackling mental health again news piece talk, they say they support veterans again news piece talk, veterans care is left to the charities such as SSAFA, RBL, etc.

As men we are told to man up, grow a pair etc.  If you have never suffered please don’t judge it can and does affect anyone from the richest to the poorest, from the most highly educated to those with no education.  Race, creed, background it holds no bar. 

There is no reason why I find myself depressed in this position, I have never been here in my life this is, without doubt, the worst year in my life.  It will pass and things will improve, I will not be depressed forever, it is just that at this moment in time I can not see when or where it will happen.

I find that writing things down, journaling does help me I don’t care if anyone else reads it or what others think of my situation, as they say there but for the grace.  Like I say it can and does affect anyone.

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