Good and bad times

The good and the bad times, the last week has been up there in terms of good and bad times, from the darkest low points to life-affirming euphoria.

After a pretty shit end to last week and yeah it rated up there with some of the worst I have had for a long time.  Thursday evening I had a massive anxiety attack which triggered my depression, I was awake most of that night and I admit that I had some very dark thoughts, the first time in a long time that they have come into my mind.  I had asked to work from home on Friday but was told no, I said that I felt this was unfair as other members of staff were allowed to work from home as and when they wanted(yes I worded it differently but that was the message) after staff being sent home after testing positive for Covid this compounded my anxiety.

Friday was a wasted day where the only thing I managed was a five-minute walk, I never showered, didn’t eat and did nothing, the negativity in my head and shit thoughts took the day away.

The Sea

Saturday morning after a somewhat better sleep I made breakfast and talked to a very good friend, so Saturday afternoon in the lovely autumnal sun I went to the sea, well I was made to go in all honesty lol.  Being in, on or near water is my treatment room, my therapy my good place.  I spent about 40 minutes in the sea and with each minute my spirits lifted, nature truly is amazing and I do not doubt the effect it has on my mental health.

Saturday night after getting home I ordered a curry as it was too late to make one, yes I know I moan every time I order a takeaway saying mine is better, this one was not that bad.  I had three small beers rather than the usual 12 and had a relatively early night.  Sunday I was up fairly early, washing done, popped to shops for bits to make a stew, pottered about and got a few things done rather than sit about moping.  In the afternoon after Jones had been out wombling litter picking, we went to the sea again Newton beach in Porthcawl, it was 20c when we went and the sea temp was 16+, it was a stunning late afternoon dip in the sea with the sun setting.  We sat and watched the moon rising over Ogmore then made our way home, where the beef stew had been in the slow cooker all day.  After a few beers, I had an early night ready for work the next day.

New Day

Monday morning up as soon as the alarm went off, a contrast shower finished with 2 minutes of cold.  The cold does wake you and sets you up better than any coffee, dressed and a cup of tea before I head off to the office.

I arrive at work, gates open, park the car and swipe in with my card all as normal, go into the office, no boss but that’s normal as I am generally first in.  Sit down and go to log in to PC and I am greeted with Account Deactivated, I go through to the main office and ask the other IT staff about it and both shake their heads, with this I go back to my office to collect my personal effects and take the account deactivation as notice of not required.

After ten months on a rate more aligned to a first-line engineer and not a technical consultant rate, where the conversation over a rate rise has been pushed aside and point-blank refused to be had, where I have delivered above and beyond what was requested when I started, yes I have taken days off when my mental health has been low.  I have felt, underappreciated, undervalued and underpaid for quite a while now and have raised the matter on several occasions and have had no joy regarding it.

So I am back home now and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, my workplace has got me down over the recent months and was doing my mental health no good at all.  So I take it as a sign to move on and not have the anxiety and poor mental health that has been dogging me.  Family and friends have told me that I have been a miserable twat, that I am unhappy, I have fallen out with my daughter who is the most important person in my life right now, she has not visited, her mother who I still class as a very good friend has told me I have been a grumpy cunt, I did not see it but looking back over the last couple of months I have been.

So it is pastures new for me and a massive weight lifted off my shoulders, I have neglected myself and treated my mental health badly, the only times I have been happy is when in the river or sea, and that is not right.  No job has the right to make you mentally ill and suffer anxiety.

So I have updated the CV, posted it on the job boards and already applied for a few, this afternoon I may do a painting, it is not the weather to go out taking photos.  No need to worry about what’s for tea I got plenty of stew there and ill make some celeriac mash to go with it.

It’s good to have that weight lifted and not feel the anxiety that has been part of everyday life for quite a while.

Onwards and upwards. 

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