You Can’t Save Them By Screaming From the Shore
How to support someone struggling with alcohol addiction. Let’s get real for a second.
Addiction isn’t some lifestyle choice. It’s not just “drinking too much.” It’s years of pain numbed out by something that was sold to us as normal, social, even sexy — and now it’s running the show.
I spent over 40 years drinking. Pints, bottles, the lot. I wasn’t on street corners with a paper bag. I was functioning. Working. Laughing. Dying inside. You wouldn’t have known — that’s the fucked-up part. Alcohol lets you mask it so well, people don’t notice you’re drowning until you’re gasping for air.
And the help that often gets offered? It’s not helpful at all. It’s judgment dressed as concern. It’s “tough love.” It’s ultimatums. It’s control. And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of that while trying to hold your shit together, you’ll know — it doesn’t pull you out. It makes you dive deeper.
Tough Love Doesn’t Work — It Just Hurts More
They say you’ve got to hit rock bottom.
That tough love will “wake them up.”
Cut them off. Let them suffer. That’ll fix it.
Bullshit.
If someone’s in the middle of an addiction spiral, they’re already carrying shame, guilt, fear, and a ton of emotional pain they’ve buried for years. You think adding more pressure helps?
What we hear is: “You’re broken.”
What we feel is: “You’re not worth loving unless you’re sober.”
So we drink harder. We push everyone away. We sink even lower, thinking, Maybe they’re right.
Tough love might make you feel like you’re doing something, but if they’re not ready, it’s just another reason to stay stuck.
Alcohol Is a Drug — It Just Comes in a Fancy Bottle
This isn’t heroin. You can’t just lock yourself away in a room and wait it out. You walk into a supermarket and there’s an entire f*cking aisle dedicated to relapse. You turn on the telly and every second ad is about beer, prosecco, gin, and happy hour.
People trying to get clean from alcohol have to navigate a society that constantly tells them they’re boring, broken, or missing out if they don’t drink.
So yeah, it’s hard.
That’s why the “just stop” advice is useless. We’re dealing with a socially acceptable drug that’s everywhere, and a culture that romanticises it at every turn.
So, How Do You Help Someone You Love?
Here’s the truth: You don’t do it with control. You do it with compassion. You don’t scream instructions from the shoreline. You wade into the water, and you sit with them until they’re ready to swim.
You say things like:
- “I’m here if you want to talk.”
- “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m not going anywhere.”
- “I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you.”
You meet them in the pain. Not above it.
You don’t try to fix them — you remind them they’re still someone worth saving.
Because you can’t shame someone sober. But you can love them there.
Stop Expecting Change Without Changing the Environment
If you want to support someone who’s trying to quit, you need to understand this:
They can’t heal in the same environment that broke them.
That means:
- They might need to stop going to the pub.
- They might need to cut off old mates who still drink hard.
- They might need new routines, new places, new circles.
And you? You might need to step into that discomfort, too. Maybe that means drinking less around them. Maybe it means doing different things together. Maybe it means being a little uncomfortable so they can survive.
It’s not forever. It’s just long enough for them to get strong.
The Hard Truth: They Have to Want It — But They Need You Close
You can’t do the work for them. But don’t let that stop you from being there.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say isn’t “You need help.”
It’s this:
“I love you. I see you slipping. And I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I want more time with the real you — the one that’s still under there, under all this shit.”
That lands. That connects. That opens a door instead of slamming it shut.
And If You’re The One Struggling — You’re Not Alone
I didn’t go to rehab. I didn’t follow the 12 steps. I didn’t surrender to a higher power.
I looked in the mirror one day and thought, “If I keep going, I’m not going to make it.”
So I built my own way out. Through meditation. Cold water. Visualisation. Writing. Owning my past. Healing my nervous system. Facing the hard shit instead of drinking it away.
You can too.
Whether you’re the one trying to quit or someone watching someone you love slowly disappear, know this:
You’re not broken. You’re not a failure. You’re human. And you’re not alone in this.
This is more than a blog post. It’s a lifeline on how to support someone struggling with alcohol addiction
If you’re searching for “how to support someone struggling with alcohol addiction,” let this be your answer:
Show up. Stay close. Stop trying to control the outcome.
Be the invitation back to who they were before the booze took over.
That’s what real love looks like.
@ian_callaghan
