At this moment in time, I honestly do not know where my head is, mental health has no defined criteria in who or when it hits. I don’t know if its the medication I taking for the depression, is it the depression itself, is it the mind and mindset. Recently I have just been existing day by day, hour by hour. Is it the weather? the seasonal shit, grey and dank, dark early. My sleep pattern is all over the place. Often still awake at 2-3 am and awake again at 7, awake does not mean I get up. Going for a pee and fill my water bottle then just lay there until midday.
I am finding it hard to focus and to do anything, my mental health lower than I have ever known. Quite often I can’t even be bothered to tell Alexa to play music, neglecting my mindfulness. As for my reading if I do a page or two then that’s a result currently. I wish my mind was racing and jumping from place to place but sadly it’s numb, it’s empty, cloudy, fuzzy. A constant dull ache that has been there since I started the medication. Painkillers don’t shift it, with the lack of decent sleep I have no energy.
Cancelling
Plans made then cancelled, excuses made hiding away indoors. I truly hate doing it, I try with all that I have but that inner voice keeps nagging away. Today I was going for a walk but cancelled last minute, I had arranged to take Ffion for pizza for tea. The twat of an inner voice was at me all-day, my mental health is not in a good place, this time it was me telling it that we were going for that pizza. Forcing myself out collecting Ffion and taking her for Pizza.
Anxiety
After dropping Ffion back home I had to go to the shop as there was nothing in for tea. I was literally in and out of the shop in five minutes, the convenience of a chicken pie bunged in the oven as I had a glass of wine and watch MasterChef. I felt so anxious in the shop hence just grabbing something quickly with no thought at all.
The phone has rung a few times the last few days, choosing to not answer and reply with a text later. My head just not in the frame of mind to have a conversation with anyone. I truly do appreciate these calls it is just too hard to answer and have a conversation. Today I give gratitude to those special people who I know are there whenever. So another night in by myself, curtains shut the outside world closed from view. Will I be asleep at a decent time who knows, will I sleep when I go to bed, time will tell.
Those are my words for today, for those, I let down recently I truly am sorry. The calls I have not answered again my apologise to you. I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. This current situation will not last and will not beat me, I will beat it and will be back stronger than before. Take care people x
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Take one day at a time. Stop beating yourself up and apologising for something which you gave no control over. Like you’ve said the situation will change and I’m sure you will beat it. Well done you for taking Ffion out and going into the shop albeit for 5 minutes. Take care xxxx
Cheers kid, I will get there I know xx
You did good, you took Ffion out and achieved something positive, be proud of yourself. Stop beating yourself up, you are doing the best you can xx