the darkest thoughts Depression | Suicide | Suicidal

I have lost count of the days that I lost just laying in bed having the darkest thoughts. Each day just the same as the last, I had become a zombie with little to no interest in anything at all. I was living for weekends when I would have my daughter and the dog. During the lowest points of those days, I often thought what was the point? why was I here? I ran things through my head. The thoughts scared me filled me with fear and dread. Some of the thoughts were so dark and I would run it over and over.

There is a big difference in suicide and suicidal, though both of the same thought process and mindset.

Statistics and trends

They are very scary statistics, sadly the stigma surrounding mental health still exists despite the high profile campaigns etc.

How would it end?

I often thought about how I would do it, how I would end the darkest thoughts, end the pain. In reality, the pain never ends it just passes to those closest to you, those who love you unconditionally.

I hate taking pills so that wasn’t an option, couldn’t hang myself, cut myself nope again not an option, jump of something again nope.

I knew and had gone through it in my head so many times, it had to be water. Water has always had a draw to me be it swimming in the river as kids, I love to be in or on water, paddleboarding, kayak, wild swimming. Most of my walks are near water be it the canal, the coast, the river or the waterfalls in the mountains.

One day

One day I found myself in the car on the way to the sea. I had decided today was the day. There wouldn’t be many if any people at a secluded beach in atrocious weather.

Music on I knew exactly where I was going, in my mind the darkest thoughts, the pain I was in had to come to an end. I drove down the dual carriageway towards Newport, down Malpas road and onto the M4, heading west. As I approached Tredegar house a song came on that jolted me, snapped my mind out of its thought process, technically this is called breaking state. Pulling off the motorway I drove around to Tredegar park, parked up, turned the engine off and cried like a baby. Picking up my phone the screen saver opened which is a picture of me and Ffion. This brought me back to my senses. As I do every day I gave gratitude for her being in my life. I tell her in one way or another that I love her every day. I used to do the same with Lewis.

Sitting there I opened my phone and sent her a message just a simple I Love You Tinker x

Fear

At the basic level, fear guides our fight or flight responses and helps to keep us safe and alive. Fear heightens your senses and awareness; it keeps you alert and helps in better preparation. The negative side of fear is when it holds you back from doing something positive.

My fear at that point was never holding my tinker again, never having a pint with my boy. They say we only grow on the other side of fear, fear can help us to

Focus and concentration.
Heighten Awareness
Acknowledgement and Enlightenment
Preparation and Planning.
Dissect Extremes.
Remove Barriers.
Break Routine.

Positive Fear

There are other positive aspects to fear and breaking out of the comfort zone.

This post has been in draft for a while, I have held my finger over the publish button a few times and then just saved the draft.

Constantly I say we need to have the conversation regarding mental health every day not just some random week in the year. My purpose in my writing is to raise awareness to let others know they are not alone and that there are plenty out there suffering the exact same feelings.

Please feel free to share among friends, among social media groups that you are in, and please, please, please talk. Check-in on the ones you have not seen in a while those that have strangely gone quiet. And as always I am here at any time of the day or night to listen.

I am thinking of setting up a group where we get together to talk, go for walks maybe even cook and just talk bollocks together, I have lots of thoughts in my head at the moment on my direction and purpose but one thing for sure they are positive not the darkest thoughts I did have, and the only time I will be walking into the sea is for fun, I am trying to get in there soon just have to work the timing between the seasonal storms. There are many health benefits to cold water be it contrast showers or wild swimming but that’s another post.

Love to you all x