Where Am I Now

Where am I now? Right now I am feeling Depressed? Angry? Fear? Hurt? Alone? Empty? Scared? I guess all of those and more emotions. They are words they are not me, the same as if I had a broken leg I would say I have a broken leg not that I am a broken leg, I have depression, anxiety and other mental health issues I am not those things. I currently have those things, like I have hayfever I am not hayfever.

So what has put me back in the darkness that I find myself in, there are a number of things from not currently working, to lapsing back into drinking to excess. The number one thing is that I have not seen Ffion in almost a month, I message but rarely get a response. I get that she is almost 16 and has a number of her own issues and wants and needs her space, but it still breaks my heart that I get no response. I lived this before when I never spoke to Lewis for years. Each day I would beat myself up over that, it wasn’t until I went on my course as a personal development coach for PTSD and other stress-related illnesses that I dealt with “some” of my issues.

Alone

Yes, I am alone, as I have said on quite a few occasions in the past there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. We have just had Mental Health awareness week with the theme of loneliness. I am generally happy being alone I do my own thing be that my art, photography, or writing. Walking is quite often on my own and yes generally near water. I feel fine near the river or canal but always have those dark thoughts if I am near the coast alone, hence I generally go to the coast with my wild swim and walking buddy The Doofus.

I often sit by the river looking at the dark spots and seeing the current move along and think how easy nature could wrap her dark inky fingers around me and take me away. Release the pain that is deep inside me. The Anger, fear, resentment, frustration, and anxiety that I hold inside, so where am I now?

In all honesty, I do not know where I am now. The feelings are as low as I have been for a very long time, I have a few people I talk to but that is a very few, Having done more courses over the last several years, trained and read more books than I care to remember I have all the tools at my disposal to deal with how I feel and where I am. That being said like a builder who has several unfinished jobs, or a mechanic with a dodgy old car we neglect those things that are supposedly easiest for us to fix.

Fix

So where do I go from here, what do I do?

I have the answers and the tools it is just a question of putting them into action and carrying on with the process. After all that is all life is just a process, we create our own process or follow one that society deems fit for us. We live our lives and write our own stories or we are a bit part of someone else’s.

Live For The Moment !!

Where Am I Now?

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