Ian Callaghan

Mental Health, Lies, excuses and hiding

At this moment in time, I honestly do not know where my head is, mental health has no defined criteria in who or when it hits. I don’t know if its the medication I taking for the depression, is it the depression itself, is it the mind and mindset. Recently I have just been existing day by day, hour by hour. Is it the weather? the seasonal shit, grey and dank, dark early. My sleep pattern is all over the place. Often still awake at 2-3 am and awake again at 7, awake does not mean I get up. Going for a pee and fill my water bottle then just lay there until midday.

I am finding it hard to focus and to do anything, my mental health lower than I have ever known. Quite often I can’t even be bothered to tell Alexa to play music, neglecting my mindfulness. As for my reading if I do a page or two then that’s a result currently. I wish my mind was racing and jumping from place to place but sadly it’s numb, it’s empty, cloudy, fuzzy. A constant dull ache that has been there since I started the medication. Painkillers don’t shift it, with the lack of decent sleep I have no energy.

Cancelling

Plans made then cancelled, excuses made hiding away indoors. I truly hate doing it, I try with all that I have but that inner voice keeps nagging away. Today I was going for a walk but cancelled last minute, I had arranged to take Ffion for pizza for tea. The twat of an inner voice was at me all-day, my mental health is not in a good place, this time it was me telling it that we were going for that pizza. Forcing myself out collecting Ffion and taking her for Pizza.

Anxiety

After dropping Ffion back home I had to go to the shop as there was nothing in for tea. I was literally in and out of the shop in five minutes, the convenience of a chicken pie bunged in the oven as I had a glass of wine and watch MasterChef. I felt so anxious in the shop hence just grabbing something quickly with no thought at all.

The phone has rung a few times the last few days, choosing to not answer and reply with a text later. My head just not in the frame of mind to have a conversation with anyone. I truly do appreciate these calls it is just too hard to answer and have a conversation. Today I give gratitude to those special people who I know are there whenever. So another night in by myself, curtains shut the outside world closed from view. Will I be asleep at a decent time who knows, will I sleep when I go to bed, time will tell.

Those are my words for today, for those, I let down recently I truly am sorry. The calls I have not answered again my apologise to you. I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. This current situation will not last and will not beat me, I will beat it and will be back stronger than before. Take care people x

Highs and Lows

The past five days or so have been a mix of highs and lows with my mental health, a combination of feeling great and curling up in a ball and hiding away from everything. I know we all have good and bad days that we all go through highs and lows in our everyday lives.

If we go back to the tail end of last week I was at a high. I had got out even if it was just to the shops. I had bought food, ingredients not just something I could throw in the oven. Actually going to cook something and also cook for someone. Other than me and Ffion which consisted of leek and potato soup is the only thing I actually cooked. I haven’t cooked for anyone in a while, add in I was actually having a visitor. Time in the kitchen is always good for me, it’s my escape my me-time. A slow roast belly of pork, Boulanger potatoes a trivet of carrots and onions that would basically confit under the pork.

Friday ended with a lovely evening with good company and good food. Just a few ciders, not the old habit of kicking the arse out of it. A decentish nights sleep compared with recent nights as well.

Saturday

Saturday started well, for the first time in about six weeks I actually got out and went for a walk. Being outdoors in the woods, along the canal among nature naturally lifts the mind as well as the body. During the rest of the day, I caught up on the mundane that has been left, the washing, hoovering etc. Spent the afternoon watching the rugby before a trip to the shops and to pick up Ffion and Frank. My mood always lifts when I have them here, my natural antidepressants for the highs and lows. Yes, its the middle of November and yes I am indeed the Grinch, so what else would me and Ffion do except watch Christmas films. Before anyone starts no the tree is not going up, it is staying in the attic for the time being.

When Ffion stays she has my bed, though she has her own bedding that has to be put on. The sofa is my bed with Frank pushing his luck most of the night trying to get on the sofa with me, at over 27kg he’s not the best thing to have on your feet while trying to sleep. As is normal at stupid o’clock Frank decides it is time to wake up and to tell me he wants to go out. A large wet Bassett hound nose in the face at 5 am is definitely not the best alarm clock.

Out with the dog highs!

Throw on a jacket and take him out, it is absolutely freezing with a hard ground frost under a crystal clear sky. Back in the warmth of the flat and Frank goes straight to sleep. I have a brew and read a little before dozing back off to sleep waking at 8ish.

Sunday

For the first time in I do not know how long I planned on doing a proper Sunday roast, the only thing I had done since moving in was a roast chicken dinner. A whole shoulder of local Welsh lamb was the order of the day, the lamb had been marinading in garlic, rosemary, thyme, lemon juice and olive oil, few anchovies would be added when it went into the oven for a long slow cook. Unusually for a Sunday Fffion was staying over with Frank so I got out for a walk with him. After six hours in the oven, the lamb was done. Many of you know Ffion’s diet is rather limited so no Sunday roast for her opting for a sourdough pizza instead.

Caught up with last weeks episode of the new Attenborough series before we watched this week. I cherish every minute that I spend with Ffion.

Monday highs and lows.

Monday was a bit of a non-entity. A walk with Frank during the day before taking him and Ffion home at teatime. Whenever I take her home I have a bit of a slump and this actually kicked in while driving her back. After getting home a quick shepherds pie using some of the leftover lamb sorted out the problem of tea.

Wasted time lows!

Wasted the evening watching shit telly with a couple of glasses of wine, next thing I know its 2.30 am. My sleep pattern is all over the place at the moment and I know I won’t get much more than about 5 hours of sleep. Sure enough not long after 7 I am wide awake though I have no inclination of getting out of bed. I lay in bed not actually thinking of anything not wanting to get up and do anything. I feel alone, agitated, anxious. Why do I let myself do this, why waste a day just laying in bed, why waste my time not doing anything. The thought of actually going out makes me pull the quilt closer to me, here I feel safe, warm with no anxiety. Anxiety is not something that has ever bothered me until I started these antidepressants.

I finally get up around 11 but only move from the bed to the settee. I read, listen to some music, apply for a few jobs. Another shepherds pie as I made two yesterday. Cups of tea and Christmas biscuits while watching Masterchef and Rick Steins secret France as I check the web for Wales score in the football. By 11 I am in bed but I see each hour until 2. I can not get to sleep no matter what I do. Next thing it’s just gone 7 and I am wide awake, less than 5 hours sleep again.

Today I have tried being active, showered, hoovered, tidied. Had an appointment early this afternoon which went well. Going to make a curry with more of the leftover lamb and go for a walk to clear my head.

Journaling

I am going to try and write each day as a journal as it does help me with the lows. So a mixed few days of highs and lows but I am still here. Tomorrow is a new day as they say.

AntiDepressants

I always said that I would never take antidepressants, the last time I went to the doctors and was referred to primary care mental health team I declined the offer of medication, I saw a counsellor and talked with her, I knew all the answers to the questions, I was doing all the things they offered already, I have trained, studied, read, listened to and watched so much over the last seven years regarding mental health, depression, anxiety. I have built an arsenal of tools and techniques and have talked with and helped a lot of people over those years but and it is a big but I had started to not listen to my own advice.

Through a number of things, my mental health plummeted and I found my self in a very dark place, I had never felt so low in all my life, I felt alone, isolated, afraid, I had some very dark thoughts and really did scare myself with those thoughts, I did what 90% of men and definitely ex-servicemen did and self-medicated with drink this blocked things out for that very brief period of time but only made matters worse in reality, I never drank when Ffion was with me and those times I felt better in myself.

I made another appointment with the doctor as I felt i was sinking deeper and deeper into this black hole, over 3 weeks for an appointment. I tried to get an earlier appointment but there were none available. When the appointment came around I was in a slightly better frame of mind, I talked to the doctor and said how low I had been at my worse, he asked me what I had to lose by trying the antidepressants and in reality, I had nothing to lose, if they could stabilise me and help me get back on an even keel then it had to be worth a try.

He prescribed Sertraline (SSRI). Sertraline is a type of antidepressants known as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). It’s often used to treat depression, and also sometimes panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The initial dosage was 50mg for 7 days then 100mg after that. The most common side effects are.

Sertraline side effects

  • nausea, loss of appetite, diarrhoea, and indigestion.
  • change in sleep habits, including increased sleepiness and insomnia.
  • increased sweating.
  • sexual problems, including decreased sex drive and ejaculation failure.
  • tremor or shaking.
  • tiredness and fatigue.
  • agitation.

One of mine was the opposite in that I was constipated, my sleep pattern is all over the place I am often awake until 4 or 5 then fall asleep for a few hours, I have been totally drained and running on empty which is probably why I have just got over the worst case of the lurgy that I have had in years. My appetite is not what it normally is and I have been generally eating crap, my immune system is very low as I have not been eating my fermented foods so my gut biome is bolloxed, the antidepressant stabilises serotonin uptake it can not make it. Although serotonin is well known as a brain neurotransmitter, it is estimated that 90 per cent of the body’s serotonin is made in the digestive tract. … Peripheral serotonin is produced in the digestive tract by enterochromaffin (EC) cells and also by particular types of immune cells and neurons.

So it’s back to the fermented foods there is a lot of research around the gut-brain axis and as they say a healthy gut healthy mind.

It is early days on the antidepressants so I will persist and see how things go.