I Am Enough
Highs and Lows
The past five days or so have been a mix of highs and lows with my mental health, a combination of feeling great and curling up in a ball and hiding away from everything. I know we all have good and bad days that we all go through highs and lows in our everyday lives.
If we go back to the tail end of last week I was at a high. I had got out even if it was just to the shops. I had bought food, ingredients not just something I could throw in the oven. Actually going to cook something and also cook for someone. Other than me and Ffion which consisted of leek and potato soup is the only thing I actually cooked. I haven’t cooked for anyone in a while, add in I was actually having a visitor. Time in the kitchen is always good for me, it’s my escape my me-time. A slow roast belly of pork, Boulanger potatoes a trivet of carrots and onions that would basically confit under the pork.
Friday ended with a lovely evening with good company and good food. Just a few ciders, not the old habit of kicking the arse out of it. A decentish nights sleep compared with recent nights as well.
Saturday
Saturday started well, for the first time in about six weeks I actually got out and went for a walk. Being outdoors in the woods, along the canal among nature naturally lifts the mind as well as the body. During the rest of the day, I caught up on the mundane that has been left, the washing, hoovering etc. Spent the afternoon watching the rugby before a trip to the shops and to pick up Ffion and Frank. My mood always lifts when I have them here, my natural antidepressants for the highs and lows. Yes, its the middle of November and yes I am indeed the Grinch, so what else would me and Ffion do except watch Christmas films. Before anyone starts no the tree is not going up, it is staying in the attic for the time being.
When Ffion stays she has my bed, though she has her own bedding that has to be put on. The sofa is my bed with Frank pushing his luck most of the night trying to get on the sofa with me, at over 27kg he’s not the best thing to have on your feet while trying to sleep. As is normal at stupid o’clock Frank decides it is time to wake up and to tell me he wants to go out. A large wet Bassett hound nose in the face at 5 am is definitely not the best alarm clock.
Out with the dog highs!
Throw on a jacket and take him out, it is absolutely freezing with a hard ground frost under a crystal clear sky. Back in the warmth of the flat and Frank goes straight to sleep. I have a brew and read a little before dozing back off to sleep waking at 8ish.
Sunday
For the first time in I do not know how long I planned on doing a proper Sunday roast, the only thing I had done since moving in was a roast chicken dinner. A whole shoulder of local Welsh lamb was the order of the day, the lamb had been marinading in garlic, rosemary, thyme, lemon juice and olive oil, few anchovies would be added when it went into the oven for a long slow cook. Unusually for a Sunday Fffion was staying over with Frank so I got out for a walk with him. After six hours in the oven, the lamb was done. Many of you know Ffion’s diet is rather limited so no Sunday roast for her opting for a sourdough pizza instead.
Caught up with last weeks episode of the new Attenborough series before we watched this week. I cherish every minute that I spend with Ffion.
Monday highs and lows.
Monday was a bit of a non-entity. A walk with Frank during the day before taking him and Ffion home at teatime. Whenever I take her home I have a bit of a slump and this actually kicked in while driving her back. After getting home a quick shepherds pie using some of the leftover lamb sorted out the problem of tea.
Wasted time lows!
Wasted the evening watching shit telly with a couple of glasses of wine, next thing I know its 2.30 am. My sleep pattern is all over the place at the moment and I know I won’t get much more than about 5 hours of sleep. Sure enough not long after 7 I am wide awake though I have no inclination of getting out of bed. I lay in bed not actually thinking of anything not wanting to get up and do anything. I feel alone, agitated, anxious. Why do I let myself do this, why waste a day just laying in bed, why waste my time not doing anything. The thought of actually going out makes me pull the quilt closer to me, here I feel safe, warm with no anxiety. Anxiety is not something that has ever bothered me until I started these antidepressants.
I finally get up around 11 but only move from the bed to the settee. I read, listen to some music, apply for a few jobs. Another shepherds pie as I made two yesterday. Cups of tea and Christmas biscuits while watching Masterchef and Rick Steins secret France as I check the web for Wales score in the football. By 11 I am in bed but I see each hour until 2. I can not get to sleep no matter what I do. Next thing it’s just gone 7 and I am wide awake, less than 5 hours sleep again.
Today I have tried being active, showered, hoovered, tidied. Had an appointment early this afternoon which went well. Going to make a curry with more of the leftover lamb and go for a walk to clear my head.
Journaling
I am going to try and write each day as a journal as it does help me with the lows. So a mixed few days of highs and lows but I am still here. Tomorrow is a new day as they say.
