The past five days or so have been a mix of highs and lows with my mental health, a combination of feeling great and curling up in a ball and hiding away from everything. I know we all have good and bad days that we all go through highs and lows in our everyday lives.
If we go back to the tail end of last week I was at a high. I had got out even if it was just to the shops. I had bought food, ingredients not just something I could throw in the oven. Actually going to cook something and also cook for someone. Other than me and Ffion which consisted of leek and potato soup is the only thing I actually cooked. I haven’t cooked for anyone in a while, add in I was actually having a visitor. Time in the kitchen is always good for me, it’s my escape my me-time. A slow roast belly of pork, Boulanger potatoes a trivet of carrots and onions that would basically confit under the pork.
Friday ended with a lovely evening with good company and good food. Just a few ciders, not the old habit of kicking the arse out of it. A decentish nights sleep compared with recent nights as well.
Saturday
Saturday started well, for the first time in about six weeks I actually got out and went for a walk. Being outdoors in the woods, along the canal among nature naturally lifts the mind as well as the body. During the rest of the day, I caught up on the mundane that has been left, the washing, hoovering etc. Spent the afternoon watching the rugby before a trip to the shops and to pick up Ffion and Frank. My mood always lifts when I have them here, my natural antidepressants for the highs and lows. Yes, its the middle of November and yes I am indeed the Grinch, so what else would me and Ffion do except watch Christmas films. Before anyone starts no the tree is not going up, it is staying in the attic for the time being.
When Ffion stays she has my bed, though she has her own bedding that has to be put on. The sofa is my bed with Frank pushing his luck most of the night trying to get on the sofa with me, at over 27kg he’s not the best thing to have on your feet while trying to sleep. As is normal at stupid o’clock Frank decides it is time to wake up and to tell me he wants to go out. A large wet Bassett hound nose in the face at 5 am is definitely not the best alarm clock.
Out with the dog highs!
Throw on a jacket and take him out, it is absolutely freezing with a hard ground frost under a crystal clear sky. Back in the warmth of the flat and Frank goes straight to sleep. I have a brew and read a little before dozing back off to sleep waking at 8ish.
Sunday
For the first time in I do not know how long I planned on doing a proper Sunday roast, the only thing I had done since moving in was a roast chicken dinner. A whole shoulder of local Welsh lamb was the order of the day, the lamb had been marinading in garlic, rosemary, thyme, lemon juice and olive oil, few anchovies would be added when it went into the oven for a long slow cook. Unusually for a Sunday Fffion was staying over with Frank so I got out for a walk with him. After six hours in the oven, the lamb was done. Many of you know Ffion’s diet is rather limited so no Sunday roast for her opting for a sourdough pizza instead.
Caught up with last weeks episode of the new Attenborough series before we watched this week. I cherish every minute that I spend with Ffion.
Monday highs and lows.
Monday was a bit of a non-entity. A walk with Frank during the day before taking him and Ffion home at teatime. Whenever I take her home I have a bit of a slump and this actually kicked in while driving her back. After getting home a quick shepherds pie using some of the leftover lamb sorted out the problem of tea.
Wasted time lows!
Wasted the evening watching shit telly with a couple of glasses of wine, next thing I know its 2.30 am. My sleep pattern is all over the place at the moment and I know I won’t get much more than about 5 hours of sleep. Sure enough not long after 7 I am wide awake though I have no inclination of getting out of bed. I lay in bed not actually thinking of anything not wanting to get up and do anything. I feel alone, agitated, anxious. Why do I let myself do this, why waste a day just laying in bed, why waste my time not doing anything. The thought of actually going out makes me pull the quilt closer to me, here I feel safe, warm with no anxiety. Anxiety is not something that has ever bothered me until I started these antidepressants.
I finally get up around 11 but only move from the bed to the settee. I read, listen to some music, apply for a few jobs. Another shepherds pie as I made two yesterday. Cups of tea and Christmas biscuits while watching Masterchef and Rick Steins secret France as I check the web for Wales score in the football. By 11 I am in bed but I see each hour until 2. I can not get to sleep no matter what I do. Next thing it’s just gone 7 and I am wide awake, less than 5 hours sleep again.
Today I have tried being active, showered, hoovered, tidied. Had an appointment early this afternoon which went well. Going to make a curry with more of the leftover lamb and go for a walk to clear my head.
Journaling
I am going to try and write each day as a journal as it does help me with the lows. So a mixed few days of highs and lows but I am still here. Tomorrow is a new day as they say.
I always said that I would never take antidepressants, the last time I went to the doctors and was referred to primary care mental health team I declined the offer of medication, I saw a counsellor and talked with her, I knew all the answers to the questions, I was doing all the things they offered already, I have trained, studied, read, listened to and watched so much over the last seven years regarding mental health, depression, anxiety. I have built an arsenal of tools and techniques and have talked with and helped a lot of people over those years but and it is a big but I had started to not listen to my own advice.
Through a number of things, my mental health plummeted and I found my self in a very dark place, I had never felt so low in all my life, I felt alone, isolated, afraid, I had some very dark thoughts and really did scare myself with those thoughts, I did what 90% of men and definitely ex-servicemen did and self-medicated with drink this blocked things out for that very brief period of time but only made matters worse in reality, I never drank when Ffion was with me and those times I felt better in myself.
I made another appointment with the doctor as I felt i was sinking deeper and deeper into this black hole, over 3 weeks for an appointment. I tried to get an earlier appointment but there were none available. When the appointment came around I was in a slightly better frame of mind, I talked to the doctor and said how low I had been at my worse, he asked me what I had to lose by trying the antidepressants and in reality, I had nothing to lose, if they could stabilise me and help me get back on an even keel then it had to be worth a try.
He prescribed Sertraline (SSRI). Sertraline is a type of antidepressants known as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). It’s often used to treat depression, and also sometimes panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The initial dosage was 50mg for 7 days then 100mg after that. The most common side effects are.
Sertraline side effects
nausea, loss of appetite, diarrhoea, and indigestion.
change in sleep habits, including increased sleepiness and insomnia.
increased sweating.
sexual problems, including decreased sex drive and ejaculation failure.
tremor or shaking.
tiredness and fatigue.
agitation.
One of mine was the opposite in that I was constipated, my sleep pattern is all over the place I am often awake until 4 or 5 then fall asleep for a few hours, I have been totally drained and running on empty which is probably why I have just got over the worst case of the lurgy that I have had in years. My appetite is not what it normally is and I have been generally eating crap, my immune system is very low as I have not been eating my fermented foods so my gut biome is bolloxed, the antidepressant stabilises serotonin uptake it can not make it. Although serotonin is well known as a brain neurotransmitter, it is estimated that 90 per cent of the body’s serotonin is made in the digestive tract. … Peripheral serotonin is produced in the digestive tract by enterochromaffin (EC) cells and also by particular types of immune cells and neurons.
So it’s back to the fermented foods there is a lot of research around the gut-brain axis and as they say a healthy gut healthy mind.
It is early days on the antidepressants so I will persist and see how things go.
I find myself in a deep dark depressed hole, alone and scared, not knowing where to turn or what to do, I have done everything I possibly can and still I’m getting nowhere, the only time I don’t have these feelings and thoughts is when I am with Ffion.
The Universal credits system is a total and utter farce with
little to no help, due to incorrect reporting by HMRC I have had no money at
all for two months, the only way I have had money for food etc is by selling my
possessions, I have rent arrears and am now threatened with a notice of
repossession by the housing association.
I have made an appointment for the doctor regarding my
current mental health the earliest appointment is the 21st of the
month, I have rung over and over to attempt to get an earlier appointment
explaining its regarding my mental health but there is nothing available.
I have applied for an emergency discretionary payment but
have not been successful, it seems I do not know how to work the system in ways
others seem to be able to.
I have applied to the council for assistance and am waiting
on feedback from them.
On average I apply for about half a dozen jobs a day, I do
what I can but I am slowly losing the will.
My sleep pattern is all over the place, I have little or no
desire most days to do anything other than chase DWP and apply for jobs, when I
do get out for a walk it does help for that brief period of time that I am out,
I do my mindfulness and again that helps to clear the dark shit that rattles
around in my head.
I am lucky I do have a few close friends that I can and do
talk to and for that I truly am grateful.
I can totally understand and see why people give up with the
farce that is Universal Credits, they tell you to update your journal and then
do not respond, you get passed from pillar to post and get no clear answers
from anywhere.
I have no idea where I go from here, no idea what I do, the
system is fucked and those above give no fucks at all, they are all so far
detached from reality that its quite scary, they say they care but its just
news piece talk, they say they are tackling mental health again news piece
talk, they say they support veterans again news piece talk, veterans care is
left to the charities such as SSAFA, RBL, etc.
As men we are told to man up, grow a pair etc. If you have never suffered please don’t judge
it can and does affect anyone from the richest to the poorest, from the most
highly educated to those with no education.
Race, creed, background it holds no bar.
There is no reason why I find myself depressed in this position, I have never been here in my life this is, without doubt, the worst year in my life. It will pass and things will improve, I will not be depressed forever, it is just that at this moment in time I can not see when or where it will happen.
I find that writing things down, journaling does help me I
don’t care if anyone else reads it or what others think of my situation, as
they say there but for the grace. Like I
say it can and does affect anyone.
