Where Am I Now

Where am I now? Right now I am feeling Depressed? Angry? Fear? Hurt? Alone? Empty? Scared? I guess all of those and more emotions. They are words they are not me, the same as if I had a broken leg I would say I have a broken leg not that I am a broken leg, I have depression, anxiety and other mental health issues I am not those things. I currently have those things, like I have hayfever I am not hayfever.

So what has put me back in the darkness that I find myself in, there are a number of things from not currently working, to lapsing back into drinking to excess. The number one thing is that I have not seen Ffion in almost a month, I message but rarely get a response. I get that she is almost 16 and has a number of her own issues and wants and needs her space, but it still breaks my heart that I get no response. I lived this before when I never spoke to Lewis for years. Each day I would beat myself up over that, it wasn’t until I went on my course as a personal development coach for PTSD and other stress-related illnesses that I dealt with “some” of my issues.

Alone

Yes, I am alone, as I have said on quite a few occasions in the past there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. We have just had Mental Health awareness week with the theme of loneliness. I am generally happy being alone I do my own thing be that my art, photography, or writing. Walking is quite often on my own and yes generally near water. I feel fine near the river or canal but always have those dark thoughts if I am near the coast alone, hence I generally go to the coast with my wild swim and walking buddy The Doofus.

I often sit by the river looking at the dark spots and seeing the current move along and think how easy nature could wrap her dark inky fingers around me and take me away. Release the pain that is deep inside me. The Anger, fear, resentment, frustration, and anxiety that I hold inside, so where am I now?

In all honesty, I do not know where I am now. The feelings are as low as I have been for a very long time, I have a few people I talk to but that is a very few, Having done more courses over the last several years, trained and read more books than I care to remember I have all the tools at my disposal to deal with how I feel and where I am. That being said like a builder who has several unfinished jobs, or a mechanic with a dodgy old car we neglect those things that are supposedly easiest for us to fix.

Fix

So where do I go from here, what do I do?

I have the answers and the tools it is just a question of putting them into action and carrying on with the process. After all that is all life is just a process, we create our own process or follow one that society deems fit for us. We live our lives and write our own stories or we are a bit part of someone else’s.

Live For The Moment !!

Where Am I Now?

Social Media & mental health

Social Media & Mental Health

How does Social Media & mental health go, well for me there are times when I have to shut it down and escape from the noise. I will often have breaks from it particularly FaceBook, in the current world climate there is far too much negativity and angst on the platform, friends fighting friends over masks and vaccines, political cat calling and bitching. Then we get to my trees bigger than yours and oh look how many presents little Johnnie or Jayne has under the tree. We are living in crazy times and many people are fighting mental health we are in a global pandemic and I do not mean whichever virus strain it is this week.

I feel social media has a part to play in this mental health pandemic that is getting worse by the day, it creates a comparing culture where we watch highlight reels and false living and are told by adverts what we should do and how we should look. I often say that if it is out of my circle of control then in the fuckit bucket it goes. We can not control what ads I see, what others post, the news from whichever source people choose to cherry-pick today.

The mute button on Facebook is good for turning off some of the noise that fills your newsfeed. So I have decided to take a sabbatical from Facebook, well my personal newsfeed, I’ll post to my pages which is where I will post this but I’m avoiding the negative noise, bitching and showing off that is making it so toxic, I do not need that for my mental health right now.

How does social media affect your mental health, leave a comment below?

Self-care

Remember that all the highlight reels are just that, not many post warts and all or talk about the shit storm in their heads, media tells us we should all be getting the latest this and the latest that, we should wear this and look like that but it’s all bollocks. Just be yourself and do your best for yourself, self-care is not selfish. The greatest gift you can give is your presence, memories last forever, materialistic crap will be yesterday’s news tomorrow, under a bed, in a draw never used.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones and give gratitude for what you do have no matter how small, you woke up this morning, if you are reading this then I guess you have a roof over your head, clean water and food. You are richer than so many.

Good and bad times

Good and bad times

The good and the bad times, the last week has been up there in terms of good and bad times, from the darkest low points to life-affirming euphoria.

After a pretty shit end to last week and yeah it rated up there with some of the worst I have had for a long time.  Thursday evening I had a massive anxiety attack which triggered my depression, I was awake most of that night and I admit that I had some very dark thoughts, the first time in a long time that they have come into my mind.  I had asked to work from home on Friday but was told no, I said that I felt this was unfair as other members of staff were allowed to work from home as and when they wanted(yes I worded it differently but that was the message) after staff being sent home after testing positive for Covid this compounded my anxiety.

Friday was a wasted day where the only thing I managed was a five-minute walk, I never showered, didn’t eat and did nothing, the negativity in my head and shit thoughts took the day away.

The Sea

Saturday morning after a somewhat better sleep I made breakfast and talked to a very good friend, so Saturday afternoon in the lovely autumnal sun I went to the sea, well I was made to go in all honesty lol.  Being in, on or near water is my treatment room, my therapy my good place.  I spent about 40 minutes in the sea and with each minute my spirits lifted, nature truly is amazing and I do not doubt the effect it has on my mental health.

Saturday night after getting home I ordered a curry as it was too late to make one, yes I know I moan every time I order a takeaway saying mine is better, this one was not that bad.  I had three small beers rather than the usual 12 and had a relatively early night.  Sunday I was up fairly early, washing done, popped to shops for bits to make a stew, pottered about and got a few things done rather than sit about moping.  In the afternoon after Jones had been out wombling litter picking, we went to the sea again Newton beach in Porthcawl, it was 20c when we went and the sea temp was 16+, it was a stunning late afternoon dip in the sea with the sun setting.  We sat and watched the moon rising over Ogmore then made our way home, where the beef stew had been in the slow cooker all day.  After a few beers, I had an early night ready for work the next day.

New Day

Monday morning up as soon as the alarm went off, a contrast shower finished with 2 minutes of cold.  The cold does wake you and sets you up better than any coffee, dressed and a cup of tea before I head off to the office.

I arrive at work, gates open, park the car and swipe in with my card all as normal, go into the office, no boss but that’s normal as I am generally first in.  Sit down and go to log in to PC and I am greeted with Account Deactivated, I go through to the main office and ask the other IT staff about it and both shake their heads, with this I go back to my office to collect my personal effects and take the account deactivation as notice of not required.

After ten months on a rate more aligned to a first-line engineer and not a technical consultant rate, where the conversation over a rate rise has been pushed aside and point-blank refused to be had, where I have delivered above and beyond what was requested when I started, yes I have taken days off when my mental health has been low.  I have felt, underappreciated, undervalued and underpaid for quite a while now and have raised the matter on several occasions and have had no joy regarding it.

So I am back home now and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, my workplace has got me down over the recent months and was doing my mental health no good at all.  So I take it as a sign to move on and not have the anxiety and poor mental health that has been dogging me.  Family and friends have told me that I have been a miserable twat, that I am unhappy, I have fallen out with my daughter who is the most important person in my life right now, she has not visited, her mother who I still class as a very good friend has told me I have been a grumpy cunt, I did not see it but looking back over the last couple of months I have been.

So it is pastures new for me and a massive weight lifted off my shoulders, I have neglected myself and treated my mental health badly, the only times I have been happy is when in the river or sea, and that is not right.  No job has the right to make you mentally ill and suffer anxiety.

So I have updated the CV, posted it on the job boards and already applied for a few, this afternoon I may do a painting, it is not the weather to go out taking photos.  No need to worry about what’s for tea I got plenty of stew there and ill make some celeriac mash to go with it.

It’s good to have that weight lifted and not feel the anxiety that has been part of everyday life for quite a while.

Onwards and upwards.