Where to start, they always say to start at the beginning, but where or what was the beginning.
All emotions are learned in the first 5 years of life, we are not born with fear, anger, hate, sadness, disgust, surprise, happiness. We learn them all as we grow, that’s why fears and phobias can be released, unlearnt and overcome.
Fear, anger, hate, disgust all negative emotions that we learn, we don’t come into this world with these emotions, each of those negative emotions has secondary emotions. Anger has secondary emotions such as bitterness, aggression, jealous, hostile, negative. Fear has weakness, rejection, worthlessness, nervous, inadequate and overwhelmed.
Then we have positive emotions, Love, joy, gratitude, contentment.
There is some school of thoughts that say Love is the only true positive emotion and all others are secondary, and that Fear is the only true negative emotion with all others secondary.
When you feel true Love everything else just slots into place like parts of life’s jigsaw.
When you feel fear that feeds the secondary negative emotions, hate, anger, sadness.
So back to the story, my story.
If we look at today, the present, this moment in time, that is all that truly exists the past is a memory we recall it’s not real it has gone, we cannot change it in any way. If we look to the future that is our imagination, it hasn’t happened yet. They say that the mind does not know the difference between real and a visualisation. That is why visualisation practices are used by so many of today’s top personal development coaches form elite athletes such as team sky Tour de France team to the best strikers, golfers, runners. They each use these techniques to visualise the most positive outcome, from a mountain climb to a sprint finish, they have pictured that in their mind’s eye thousands of times in training.
So where am I today at this moment, well after a pretty shit start to the year I am currently in a good place and things get better each day.
So, what did I do to climb out of the dark hole I found myself in, what methods that I use in my coaching did I finally use to get my own health back on track both my physical and mental health?
As I say on my blog, my social media and to anybody that will listen I believe there are four pillars to total health, neglect one and the rest fall as well.
Eat:
The fuel for our bodies put the wrong fuel in and you get the exact same results as putting the wrong fuel in your car, shit in shit out it’s as simple as that. We live in an instant gratification society and that does not just mean food. We live on a “diet” of highly processed foods with very low nutritional value, we have forgotten the basics of food, the simple processes our ancestors followed, we have two generations now that have been accustomed to the quick fix, the ready meal, fast foods, junk food. Where a breakfast has more sugar in its highly processed boxes than we used to have in a dessert, is that any way to start your day and fuel your body? We quite simply need to get back to the basics of eating whole nutrient-dense foods, eating less of the factory-farmed meats that are full of antibiotics. Eat better just eat less, use the cheaper cuts of meat that our grandparents used, eat the whole animal not just a factory-produced chicken nugget, I fully understand and accept that cost is a massive thing in today’s society, just eat the best you can but eat less of it, factory farming and mass agriculture mono production farms are killing the environment at an alarming rate, be it feedlot production of beef or the growing of palm, soy, maize and single variety crops with GMO and patented seeds, how is that nature.
Sleep:
The importance of sleep is sadly very much neglected, caffeine driven, stress-ridden, 24/7 lifestyles. Sleep patterns that are so far removed from our ancestral backgrounds. Artificial light that’s robbed us of the darkness that told our bodies it was time to wind down and sleep, blue light from every angle, TV, laptop, tablet, mobile phone and all manner of other devices. Our circadian rhythm is shot, our stress hormones are functioning 24/7 not just in fight or flight.
It is so important to whole health to have a sound sleep pattern and routine.
Move:
You do not have to be a gym bunny, run marathons do ironman/women events, it’s about functional movement, walking daily, occasionally lifting heavy things maybe once or twice a week, the odd all-out sprint this could be once a week do some sprints on your walk, a few sprints in a swim, an all-out go for it on your bike ride. These are the things our ancestors did, the walked daily to hunt and gather, collect water. They would occasionally lift heavy things be it a large animal from a hunt or to collect firewood or stones for shelters, and every now and again that fight or flight all-out sprint be it to escape a predator or in battle with other tribes, their stress hormones at peak during that short time not in a heightened state 24/7.
Mind:
We know more about the universe and the depths of the ocean than we do about our minds. We all have mental health the same as we all have physical health. We neglect the mind and abuse it we feed ourselves toxins that kill our microbiome, there is a lot of research taking place between the gut-brain axis, that the gut not only receives signals from the brain it also sends them. Living at our frantic 24/7 lifestyle, poor sleep patterns, poor diet all lead to an imbalance in our chemical build-up and our hormones. As they say healthy body healthy mind, I can not emphasise enough the importance of managing all four pillars of your whole health.
Depression, stress, anxiety, fears, and phobias are all states of
mind, we learn many of our fears, we place our selves in changed states of
mind, what we learn we can unlearn, negative beliefs and values can be replaced
with positive ones, what the mind perceives the body achieves.
I guess this episode of my mental health started in December of 2017, a breakup of a long-term relationship just before Christmas is never going to be the best of things for your mental health.
Each and every one of us has mental health the same as we have physical health. The big difference is we freely and openly discuss any physical ailment from a broken bone to chronic Diarrhoea we have no shame any qualms about talking about anything physically wrong with us even with strangers.
When it comes to mental health we are far less likely to discuss it, suicide is the number one killer of men up to the age of 50 in the UK, we have and to an extent still live in a culture where men are supposedly the stronger sex, men bottle up their emotions, they hide their fears, stiff up lip, man up, grow a pair. Coming from a military background until very recently this was still definitely the case, it was a sign of weakness to admit to thinking you had a mental health issue, things are improving but it’s a very slow process. Women are far more likely to talk to someone with regards a mental health issue, be that to a friend or a specialist, how many men could or would say to a friend that they were suffering from a mental health issue, very few.
That Christmas I talked to nobody, I had my daughter stay Christmas eve and Christmas day till mid-afternoon, my father came for dinner, I had already ordered the turkey and everything else, as anyone who knows me I always over cater be it a bbq or a curry and I still do this now. By teatime Christmas day I was sat on my own in what was not long before the family home. I had not drunk all day whereas in the past I would have started drinking when prepping the dinner.
I reverted to form and the biggest reason for my split, I turned to the drink, an open log fire my comfy old leather armchair and red wine, I didn’t put the telly on or even music just sat staring at the flames of the fire while seeking solace at the bottom of a glass, was it there? We all know the answer to that question, don’t we? Self-medicating the go-to for many men especially men from a military background where it is part of the culture. I say about it being a military background but when I look at my childhood drink was a big part of my father’s life, never at home but most nights he would be at the local or at his club. The working man has long had that tradition, was it their way of self-medicating, mental health was definitely a taboo subject back then.
That holiday period when I was alone, I basically just drank sat in front of the fire, no social connection, no communication with the outside world other than going to the shop for more booze. The start of that year I had a new contract doing endpoint security for one of the country’s leading building societies based in Swindon, what started as three days in the office with two at home soon changed to being predominantly home-based, so other than my weekends with my daughter I had very little actual contact with people. The pattern continued up till July, I made a deal with my daughter that I would not drink until we went on holiday at the end of August and then I would only have a drink with meals.
I did two months drink free, I exercised, practiced my self-care in the way of mindfulness and getting out for walks along the canal and in the woods, I was eating healthy mainly paleo but dipping in to keto, by the time we flew to France I had lost over two and a half stones in weight and felt better than I had in a very long time.
Ten days in France in a gite with pool exploring the Midi Pyrenees and the coast of South-West France, I kept my promise and drank very little while on the holiday, the occasional glass of red but mainly alcohol free beer, Ffion’s mum who came with us actually said she drank more than me on the holiday.
Once we got back to the UK I focussed on trying to build the business I was setting up, the contract at the building society had finished so I had no regular income coming in, with hindsight that wonderful tool we all use I would have secured another contract somewhere else to fund my setting up of the business, instead I lived on what I had saved from the previous job. Living in a large 3 bed rented house on a private country estate soon ate into the savings I had, large rent bill, stupid fuel bills and a large council tax bill which amounted to roughly £1300 a month before I bought food etc and the other bills.
I had started drinking again and was on occasion seriously kicking the arse out of it, one weekend when the autumn internationals were on and Fury fought Wilder I started drinking at lunchtime of the Saturday I carried on until the boxing finished at about 7 am. When I got up around lunchtime of the Sunday I checked the recycling bag I had got out when I started drinking the previous day, this is no way a boast or a look how big I am for drinking this much more a fucking huge wake up call and something I really was ashamed of, I had drunk 26 pint cans of Stella that day and night, I never had a hangover I never felt ill, that day was when I decide that enough was enough, I realised that I had a serious drink problem one which had cost me a great deal and not financially. That was the start of December, the only interest I had in Christmas looming was for Ffion, she was to stay Christmas eve and into the afternoon of Christmas day as she had previously, no visit off my father this year so it was Christmas dinner for one as Ffion doesn’t do roast dinners these days, I had again indulged and rather than the usual ostrich sized turkey I had a rib of beef and a turkey crown, drink for Christmas dinner was alcohol free prosecco and nanny state beer from BrewDog. That was the first Christmas that I can remember since my teens where I hadn’t started drinking early in the morning while cooking the dinner.
So a new year a new start they say well things didn’t exactly pan out that way, the start of January I had a call from the agency I had done the last contract for asking if I would be interested in going back to do some more work on the project, I said yes. Four weeks later and the agency gets told the client are putting the work on hold so that fell through, we are now into February and the savings are getting low. I have an interview and get offered a contract with a large IT service provider; I pay for enhanced DBS check do all the onboarding work etc for yeah you guessed the client puts the work on hold. It is now the middle of march and I have still not had any work. There are days now when just getting up is a struggle, I apply for countless jobs, but nothing seems to be forthcoming. Another interview and another successful one another job offer this time with one of the UK’s largest insurance providers, another DBS check etc I fill in all the paperwork go through the onboarding for after four weeks to be told that due to something on my credit check the client was not willing to progress the offer of work. The day I was told that I had a major breakdown I lay on the floor and cried like a baby, I had thoughts that I had never had in the past thoughts that really did scare me, what was my point of being here anymore what was my purpose. I had now gotten into rent arrears was living off credit cards and did not have any idea how I was going to get out of this.
In general, I was still not drinking a great deal, there were the odd falls from grace that I’m not proud of. On one occasion the police visited the house as my daughter had contacted her sisters concerned for my wellbeing, I had told my daughter that she was my only reason for living, I had nothing else to live for.
By now the landlord had made threats of eviction etc. I had looked at grants and help from various organisations, I contacted my regimental benevolent officer who said that the regiment could help but it had to do through charities such as RBL or SSAFA. I contacted the RBL who said that they could help but had no caseworkers for roughly two months. A walk with my ex and the dog one day and I contacted SSAFA, within three days I had a meeting with the local representative, we went through the various forms etc and he advised on various things for me to do such as claiming universal credits etc. During this time I was still having the landlord’s agent hammering on my door basically demanding money, I borrowed and paid what I could. Trevor from SSAFA started the process of securing funds from various organisations including my regiment, the army benevolent fund and SSAFA. During this process Trevor was going on holiday but had put the wheels in motion, the day he went on holiday he spoke to the landlord’s agents and informed them what was happening in regards funds being made available to them. The next day at around 8.30 in the morning one of the agents representative nocked my door with a hand-delivered letter, it was a section 21 requesting possession of the property, talk about kicking a man when he is down, they had talked with SSAFA the day before but had not mentioned any of this, so for all their words of understanding and working with SSAFA seemed just that words.
I started the process of looking for other properties, I registered with the local council housing register and bid on various properties. At this time, I got a short-term contract at the National Museum in Cardiff, though only short term it gave me funds and some breathing space.
On the local council housing app four flats became available so I bid, the main criteria were having a rural connection and where I was currently living was one of the areas that met the requirement. A week or so later and I get an email saying that provisionally I was successful in the bid and to arrange a home visit with one of the housing associations reps to go through paperwork etc. a few days later I had the offer of the property. This was a huge weight off my shoulders; I had got to the point I was looking for somewhere to site my caravan to live in. I started the process of moving something that I have done plenty of times during my time in the Army and since, they say that moving is one of the most stressful times that there is, I for one would not argue against that.
I got the keys to the property on a very wet day at the start of June, I began to move bits and pieces in, the start of making a new home, I have not lived on my own since I was a teenager. Two long relationships, one marriage, ten years in the army in various places, so this is a first for me in a very long time.
During this time, I have continued to work with SSAFA and other various bodies, on several things, from my issues with a drink to debt management, all work in progress but better than the old head in the sand.
So I have moved homes, I have literally in one fell swoop cut my outgoings in half, gone from a draughty single glazed property that was costing a fortune to run, to a brand new build, in a village that has a community feel to it, there is connection and local resources, I can honestly say that in the old village I talked to maybe half a dozen people and that was it, a chocolate box village on the outside but nothing like that storybook village life inside. In the last 18 months in the old house, I won’t say home as it stopped being that a long time ago, I became a recluse and did not often go out and socialise in any way shape or form.
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Community and connection are two very important aspects of mental health, when we look at countries around the world that still have that community life then we see far fewer cases of mental health. How many people these days know their neighbours, how many talk to them, think of the older generation that often live in solitude with absolutely no connection to the outside world.
My social interaction was through social media, I talked to very few people, id avoid conversation etc when shopping. I had no interest in going out, for about 9 months I think I went out twice once for remembrance day a pint with my father one with some of the boys and back home, the other a charity event at Bar Amber again two pints and home, I did not want to be among people and crowds did not want to socialise so instead I locked myself away in a house that I was beginning to actually hate and doing the exact opposite of what I knew I should be doing.
There were days when the only reason I got out of bed was to use the toilet and fill my water bottle, curtains left shut all day, calls ignored as I just lay in self-pity fighting the voices in my head. During this time I was also eating junk no thoughts of the good or bad it was doing to me, cooking is one of my escapes, I love to cook and love feeding others, I am a massive believer in what we eat affects our mental health as well as our physical health, there is massive research on the gut-brain axis that I will cover in-depth in later chapters.