That said I was still on the mountain at not long after 6. I could have just driven around to Foxhunters car park and just sat in the car and waited but I had decided to park at Keepers and walk. The solitude and being on my own are not an issue and I actually enjoy it. I never actually seen any people. People arrived in Foxhunters carpark around 7.30 or so and just sat in the car park. I had walked onto the moor so I had the best viewpoint to capture the sunrise.

Dawn Chorus

As is often the case the changes in light before the actual sunrise is far more interesting. I stood watching ravens in the pre-dawn light, grouse in the heather calling. The dawn chorus always starts with the largest birds calling first, there are not many larger than the Raven. I find the whole Corvidae family fascinating and always have as a kid I kept a jackdaw in my bedroom.

The main character in the short stories that I told Ffion since she can remember involved Harry the Crow. He is still here and always will be. We now have a physical Harry as a very good friend crotched a crow for me and Ffion. I have so many stories of Harry and his friends that I know should be put to paper for others. Harry was there when Ffion had her meltdowns and would not talk to me or her mum. She would talk with Harry even though it was just my hand.

Post walk high

I got back home late morning, over 250 raw files on the memory card over 5gb of files. While the files were imported on to the laptop I made a fry up the full monty.

I actually quite enjoy editing the images in photoshop, photoshop is basically the digital photographer’s darkroom. Instead of mixing chemicals its a question of highlights, shadows, contrast, exposure and sharpening. I find the whole process very mindful and it takes my mind and focus away from all the bollocks.

After editing around 30 raw files I took a break and realised it was almost 7 pm. There are still around 200 images that need editing but I decided that was enough for the day.

Evening

In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea what was on the TV last night other than a programme on Mental Health. I did post a short rant on FaceBook regarding it. By now I had drunk about 6 cans of German beer. Watching the programme flicked a few of my triggers and I had to get out. It is not the first time in the last few months when I have found myself outdoors in just shorts and a t-shirt. Last time I sat in the shared garden I have for about 20 minutes in minus 3. At these times I do my mindful breathing exercises and earthing. Mainly due to the fact I just walk out of the flat barefoot in whatever I have on when I get the anxiety or panic attacks.

Last night it was shorts and a t-shirt and I walked around the car parking area. Not that it makes any difference as I do not notice the temperature. When I started the day on the Blorenge it was -5, it was nowhere near as cold as we had a lot of cloud cover. This is one of the few things I notice as one of my focuses when I do my walkabouts are the stars and constellations.

Insomnia

As I posted on Facebook in the middle of the night

So I have been up since 4.50 yesterday when I went up the mountain to catch the sunrise, I had 20 minutes snooze this afternoon and I am still awake. Insomnia sucks the sweat off Franks big dangly nuts. In the process of creating a recipe section on the blog, transferring the videos to youtube and talking to Lee Fash Williams who wants to do some bonkers pig grylls wild camp kill and cook stuff and you wonder why my heads fucked lol

I started this post about how I am totally different when I have a purpose as to when I just wallow in self-pity.

The post has gone off on a tangent somewhat and in all honesty. I am not totally sure what is in the post until I read back. Sometimes I will just hit the post button and read it online. Luckily my spelling and grammar are generally OK

This is one of those posts that I will read later. If it makes sense then that’s ok if not then that’s ok as well. This is my story my now and it helps me to just on occasion write total nonsense.

If any of it strikes a chord please leave a comment and if you feel it will help anyone then please share. Love to you all. Give gratitude for what you have not what you want.

The post Purpose appeared first on Ian Callaghan.

Sunday evening is one of my triggers. It’s one thing, anyone, with mental health issues, has to learn, their triggers and coping. My Sunday night trigger is taking Ffion home. Throughout the day it builds from getting up. Knowing that she will be going home well her and Frank will be. I recently posted about alone and loneliness. There is no issue in being alone and enjoy time by myself but Sunday night I often feel lonely. There is a huge difference in being alone and lonely. I know this is coming and recognise it as one of my triggers. I have now started to put things in place, this is my triggers and coping.

It would be all to easy to just sit here put shit on the telly and get drunk to block it out for that short time the drink took over the mind. Having been there done that I know it is not the answer to the problem. Most weeks I now take Ffion home late afternoon then come home and cook my tea, this gives me something to occupy the mind and focus on. Another thing is picking up one of my hobbies be that editing some photos, writing like I am now, listening to music. It definitely helps me having coping practices in place and knowing my triggers.

Different strokes for different folks.

Triggers can be internal or external, including smells, sights, sounds, and emotions that remind the person of the past trauma in some way. Triggers can also be relevant for those with other mental health disorders, including anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse. Like I said earlier my substance abuse was drink, I would drink to excess to block it out. Foolishly I believed that was me coping with my issues. The reality was it only made my issues worse.

My coping

Social media has its pros and cons with both triggers and coping for me. There are times you look on social media and everyone is happy and living a perfect life. Even though myself and everybody else knows that all we see are the highlight reels of peoples lives we still compare and chastise ourselves. Then it is an excellent resource for connecting with others, be that friends or through various groups that exist. It can be a great coping tool by taking away that loneliness through social interaction.

Often on a Sunday night, I have an Epsom salt bath. There is so much scientific evidence on the benefits of this, it is by far the easiest and best ways to get certain minerals into the body. From magnesium known for its sleep benefits to reducing stress and exercise recovery. For a long time, I have talked about the benefits of mindfulness and meditation and its benefits as a coping mechanism for so many aspects from anxiety to depression.

Mindfulness and meditation

There are plenty of online resources and apps with guided meditations.

I am currently following one that triggers the pineal gland and thus actually release serotonin. There is not a single antidepressant that does this, we have SSRIs but they manage serotonin not create it. There is a lot of medical thought that depression can be a low level of serotonin. If by doing something totally natural and not a product of the global big pharma helps me then I will take that every day.

This is by no means an exhaustive test if how I cope or my triggers, everyone’s triggers and coping is different. Find your triggers and work out how you will cope with them.

My inbox is always open and I will always reply to any messages.

Please comment about how you cope with your triggers. What do you do to manage?

The post triggers and coping appeared first on Ian Callaghan.

What is Depression, for each and every person suffering it is different? For each and everyone, it is one day at a time. There are things that are common for most people.

10 common symptoms of depression:

1. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. An outlook that nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
2. Loss of interest in normal activities. You don’t care anymore about former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, sex, showering. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
3. Eating habits or weight changes.  Weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
4. Sleep patterns. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning or oversleeping.
5. Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
6. No energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
7. Self-hate. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
8. Reckless behaviour. You engage in escapist behaviours such as substance abuse alcohol and drugs can be prescription or not, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
9. Concentration issues. Trouble focusing, making decisions or remembering things.
10. Unusual aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

One day at a time.

I identify with all the above to different degrees one day at a time. I have posted about some of the above already on here. Still awake at about 1.30 last night, I dozed off but woke again at around 3.30 as with most I looked at my phone to see the time and yes opened it and scrolled through social media, what the fuck did I think had changed since looking at it at 1.30.

Opened calm and selected a guided sleep meditation, a 15-minute body scan. Next thing it is 7 I have no inclination or desire to get up. Resisting the urge to pick up the phone and check facebook etc, instead, I do a reiki self-healing and a mindfulness breathing exercise. Often during my self-healing, I will fall asleep, this being my body and mind telling me that rest is needed. At about 10 the noise of the workmen outside disturbs me.

Replying to a few messages that I have got. Stay in bed and fester or get up, fester being the operative word as I’m not sure when I showered last and smell like a tramps pants. It is 12 before I drag my sorry ass out of bed and actually have a shower, I do a contrast shower as these always make me feel alive and give me a real kickstart, from as hot as is bearable to as cold as it goes, there are plenty of studies on the benefits of these showers and cold water therapy.

Day by day

The kitchen side is a mess, evidence of half a packet of crackers and copious amounts of cheese consumed after drinking 8 cans of lager, points to one of the above traits of eating and substance abuse. Tidy up make a brew, tell Alexa to play classical music and open the laptop. Writing or journaling does help me, with the music on in the background, a lamp to shed some light as it is rather bleak outside. In general, I write whatever comes into my head at the time, sometimes I will write on here and other times it will be in a notepad on the coffee table, one day at a time, I need to get back into the practice of doing my gratitude journal, every person that has had one of the journals from me loves them.

What will I do the rest of the day, going for one of my walks is not an option in this weather, yes it is only weather and skin is waterproof but there is no point in me getting soaking wet and miserable? No need to go to shops I got everything need, stew in the fridge which today is with my ultimate comfort food mashed potato, will be a bit of a twist on today’s version, some of the butter will be replaced with beef bone marrow, marrow bones put in the oven for about 15 minutes just until the marrow starts separating from the bone, added to the melted butter then stirred and whipped into the potatoes which have gone through the potato ricer. Rich, unctuous buttery and beefy mashed spud to go with my shin of beef stew.

Hobbies

There are still photos that need editing, another of my hobbies that have fallen by the wayside. Many of the pictures that I have posted lately have been done with the phone, the proper camera sat on the chair opposite since the last full moon when I took pictures that still sit on the memory card waiting for me to upload and edit. When I can be arsed which to be fair has not been that often lately I enjoy sitting and editing I find it mindful and helps me focus on something. In all honesty, I do not remember the last time I used the proper camera for my food photography. Nor the last time I took the time to write a recipe and share it oh except Ffion’s gooey Swedish chocolate cake we made yesterday.

Well, that’s another post for the blog. Another hour when I have not just sat and stared at the four walls. Another hour I feel that I have done something constructive with my time. Though I write for me and for my mental health if my ramblings and story can help just one other person then that is a result. Remember you are never alone and to take it one day at a time. Heres hoping the rest of the day goes well.

The post One day at a time appeared first on Ian Callaghan.

I am writing this at 01:47, tonight I had a massive anxiety attack. Why I have no idea I was sat watching telly with a beer. I have had a bit of a shit day, the car failed its MOT resulting in a £200 bill. If I never lived where I do I could have easily said bollox to it. With no car where I live, I would be totally fucked. Took the car down at 11 for its MOT, there is nothing near the garage except a pub so while waiting I had a couple of pints. Fifty minutes later I get a call saying the car has failed. A few questions later and I am looking at a bill of £300 including the MOT. Just what I need right now HO fucking HO to the season of goodwill. I tell the garage to order the part.

Finishing my pint I pick the car up and go home until the parts in for the job to be done. A couple of hours later and I get a call saying the part is in and they can fit me in within the next hour. The car took back to the garage and another hour or so I need to waste.

The car finally sorted and back home. Couldn’t be bothered cooking so ordered takeaway, a rare occurrence for me these days.

Anxious

At about 10 I had a rising feeling of being anxious. No trigger no reason, starting in my stomach and rising. I was boiling hot and sweating and couldn’t catch my breath. It wasn’t because the flat was hot as I have the thermostat set at 19c except when Ffion is here if shes cold. I started doing some deep breathing exercises, doing my mindful breathing. It is hard to explain to someone the feeling I have at these times. I had a glass of ice-cold water when I have these attacks I drink it through a straw. Focusing on the sensation of the cold, the flow of the water, this is another mindful exercise and with the breathing takes the focus off the anxiety.

I was slightly less anxious now but still not totally calm, I went out to the garden, bear in mind it was around 0c and all I was wearing were shorts and a t-shirt. Sitting in the garden I did some more deep breathing exercises. In for 5, hold for 5 and out for 5. Whether it was the cold air filling my lungs or just being outdoors within about 5 minutes I was back to being calm. It wasn’t until I actually came back in that I noticed the cold. My skin stinging at the warmth of the flat. Though these attacks leave me drained I could not settle or sleep. The last time I looked at the time it was 5.56 am, the sleep I had wasn’t the best and I felt drained when I woke again about 3-4 hours later.

Exercise for anxiety and panic attacks

Panic attacks prompt catastrophic thinking with thoughts, which are most likely irrational and out of proportion to reality. However, the symptoms of a panic attack cannot be ignored and are no joke. Panic attacks can increase with time and prevent us from functioning well in everyday activities. To prevent anxiety from increasing and interfering with daily life, grounding exercises are recommended. These help us manage the symptoms of anxiety. As you feel your body becoming anxious, you can do these exercises to reduce the “spacey” feelings and prevent the spiral downward to a panic attack. One of the most common grounding techniques is the “5-4-3-2-1” exercise.

How it works

Start with conscious breathing. Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold the breath for 5 seconds, and breathe out for 5 seconds. Continue this pattern until you find your thoughts slowing down.

5. Acknowledge 5 THINGS around you that you can SEE. Maybe it is a clock on the wall, carpet on the floor, a table or chair, clouds moving past, or a nearby tree. However big or small, recognize 5 items you can see with your eyes.

4.  Acknowledge 4 THINGS around you that you can TOUCH. Maybe it is your computer at work, the chair you are sitting on, your legs or hair, or your wallet or purse. Recognize 4 items you can feel with your hands or body.

3. Acknowledge 3 THINGS around you that you can HEAR. Maybe it is the sound of people talking or walking, the laughter of children, birds chirping. Use your fine-tuning and see if you can hear ambient sounds you may not normally tune into – clocks ticking, cars going by. Name 3 things that are audible to you.

2. Acknowledge 2 THINGS around you that you can SMELL. This one may be tricky if you are not in a stimulating environment, so if you cannot automatically sniff something out, walk nearby to find a scent. You might walk to a bathroom to smell soap, outside to smell something in nature, lean over and smell a pillow on the couch, a pencil on the desk, or check to see how your deodorant is working today. Whatever it may be, take in the smells around you.

1. Acknowledge 1 THING that you can TASTE. It might be the aftertaste of coffee, gum or your last meal. Or take a sip of water or grab a snack if it is handy. I also recommend taking an additional deep breath when done.

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What is mindfulness? Take a moment to stop. Notice how you are sitting, your posture. Be aware of your breath. Can you feel your body? Can you feel any pain? Are you calm or is your mind racing? Are you feeling tense or are you comfortable? Too cold, hot or just right? Are you thirsty or hungry? What are you feeling this very second? Happy? Sad? Relaxed? Bored or irritable?

This is what Mindfulness is about.

Mindfulness is about being in the moment, being completely in the now. About noticing this very second, how you feel, what you think and want. Without criticism or judgement.

It is about learning to notice everything in your body. your mind and your environment. From the grumbles in your belly, the traffic nearby, pain in your back or knee, the snoring of your dog, the birds in the trees, flowers in the park, the taste of that square of chocolate.

Mindfulness is about noticing everything in the moment.

It is about learning to focus your attention in the present, this very second, this very millisecond, NOW! It is about living in the present time. Reading this it sounds such a simple thing to do yet it is so difficult for many of us.

It takes practice, effort, decision. Something so simple can be very difficult to do. But in time and by making it a daily practice you will gain the skill.

Mindful.

Mindfulness is:

• about being present
• focussing on the now
• a way to calm your thoughts
• a very effective way to relax
• a way to release creativity
• it boosts physical and emotional health
• a way to gain empathy and compassion

Why be mindful?

Mindfulness practices can help us to increase our ability to regulate emotions, decrease stress, anxiety and depression. It can also help us to focus our attention, as well as to observe our thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Mindfulness therapy can treat depression and anxiety just as well as drugs

In the biggest ever scientific review of its kind into mindfulness, in 2016 The Oxford Mindfulness Centre went some way to proving that Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (MBCT) can have significant results in preventing relapse in patients with long-term depression. Through teaching meditative techniques, and encouraging patients to absorb and analyse their emotions without being controlled by them, they showed patients who engaged in the therapy were 23 per cent less likely to suffer an episode of relapse than those who didn’t, even if they stopped taking their antidepressants. This only serves to back up the work of the scientists who devised MBCT just over a decade ago.

Mindful Exercises

Mindful Breathing

This exercise can be done standing up or sitting down, and pretty much anywhere at any time. If you can sit down in the meditation (lotus) position, that’s great, if not, no worries.

Either way, all you have to do is be still and focus on your breath for just one minute.

1. Start by breathing in and out slowly. One breath cycle should last for approximately 6 seconds.
2. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, letting your breath flow effortlessly in and out of your body.
3. Let go of your thoughts. Let go of things you have to do later today or pending projects that need your attention. Simply let thoughts rise and fall of their own accord and be at one with your breath.
4. Purposefully watch your breath, focusing your sense of awareness on its pathway as it enters your body and fills you with life.
5. Then watch with your awareness as it works work its way up and out of your mouth and its energy dissipates into the world.

If you are someone who thought they’d never be able to meditate, guess what? You are halfway there already!

If you enjoyed one minute of this mind-calming exercise, why not try two or three?

 Mindful Awareness

This exercise is designed to cultivate a heightened awareness and appreciation of simple daily tasks and the results they achieve.

Think of something that happens every day more than once; something you take for granted, like opening a door, for example.

At the very moment, you touch the doorknob to open the door, stop for a moment and be mindful of where you are, how you feel in that moment and where the door will lead you.

Similarly, the moment you open your computer to start work, take a moment to appreciate the hands that enable this process and the brain that facilitates your understanding of how to use the computer.

These ‘touchpoint’ cues don’t have to be physical ones.

For example, Each time you think a negative thought, you might choose to take a moment to stop, label the thought as unhelpful and release the negativity.

Or, perhaps each time you smell food, you take a moment to stop and appreciate how lucky you are to have good food to eat and share with your family and friends.

Choose a touchpoint that resonates with you today and, instead of going through your daily motions on autopilot, take occasional moments to stop and cultivate purposeful awareness of what you are doing and the blessings these actions brings to your life.

Mindful Appreciation

In this last exercise, all you have to do is notice 5 things in your day that usually go unappreciated.

These things can be objects or people; it’s up to you. Use a notepad to check off 5 by the end of the day.

The point of this exercise is to simply give thanks and appreciate the seemingly insignificant things in life, the things that support our existence but rarely get a second thought amidst our desire for bigger and better things.

For example, electricity powers your kettle, the postman delivers your mail, your clothes provide you warmth, your nose lets you smell the flowers in the park, your ears let you hear the birds in the tree by the bus stop, but…

• Do you know how these things/processes came to exist, or how they really work?
• Have you ever properly acknowledged how these things benefit your life and the lives of others?
• Do you ever think about what life might be like without these things?
• Do you ever stop to notice their finer, more intricate details?
• Have you ever sat down and thought about the relationships between these things and how together they play an interconnected role in the functioning of the earth?

Once you have identified your 5 things, make it your duty to find out everything you can about their creation and purpose to truly appreciate the way in which they support your life.

The post Mindfulness appeared first on Ian Callaghan.

I honestly do not remember the last decent night’s sleep I had. That’s not saying I haven’t spent a lot of time in my bed, it’s just not spent sleeping. Since starting the antidepressants my sleep pattern has been rather erratic, to say the least. This is one of the side effects of the medication. I will often still be awake at 3 or 4 in the morning the telly on. If you asked the next day what I had watched then I wouldn’t have a clue. None of it very taxing on the mind just background noise to keep me company.

When I do go to bed I use the Calm app. There are guided meditations and sleep stories in the app. I also do mindful breathing exercises to help me get to sleep. It is not so much the getting to sleep that’s an issue it is the staying asleep. Actually getting a decent amount of restorative sleep.

Insomnia

I am averaging about 4 hours sleep in total most nights. This is far from perfect and only compounds the other issues that I currently have. I know the things I should do to create a better sleeping pattern and regime. Again its an area I have neglected recently, I know the answers, I advise and tell people what they should do. I have listed below what we all know and what is advised for better sleep patterns. Yes, I am the worse person for actually following my own advice. I’m currently in a rut and the only person that can get me out is myself.

It is all part and parcel of my mental health journey, the journey that I am on right now. If by journaling my journey and openly speaking of the issues I have now helped just one person then that to me is a result.

Quick Sleep Tips

Follow these tips to establish healthy sleep habits:

• Keep a consistent sleep schedule. Get up at the same time every day, even on weekends or during vacations.
• Set a bedtime that is early enough for you to get at least 7 hours of sleep.
• Don’t go to bed unless you are sleepy. 
• If you don’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, get out of bed. 
• Establish a relaxing bedtime routine. 
• Use your bed only for sleeping and sex. 
• Make your bedroom quiet and relaxing. Keep the room at a comfortable, cool temperature. 
• Limit exposure to bright light in the evenings.
• Turn off electronic devices at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
• Don’t eat a large meal before bedtime. If you are hungry at night, eat a light, healthy snack. 
• Exercise regularly and maintain a healthy diet. 
• Avoid consuming caffeine in the late afternoon or evening. 
• Avoid consuming alcohol before bedtime. 
• Reduce your fluid intake before bedtime.

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The feeling of general wellness soon took a turn for the worse. As I have written before I have had issues with Universal Credit, like many others I find the whole system flawed and not fit for purpose. I logged on to the system this morning to check my journal and statement, the image on the screen plunged me back into the dark, from a sense of ok I am now as I write this in the very dark hole I am trying to climb out of. My statement for this months payment showed zero.

Empty and Alone

I immediately was overcome with massive anxiety a feeling of dread and fear. How could this be happening again? The feeling of total emptiness, a total lack of self-worth, hate, useless. I can at this point really not see a way out of this, what is the point. The inner voices my demons are at this point very strong, I will not let them win, they are my deepest darkest thoughts and voices. I feel so alone and scared but they will not take me down.

I sit here crying holding a pillow, there is no energy, no fight left, both mentally and physically totally drained. Writing this is my way of keeping a journal of what happened and when. How I got through each phase of the journey. By writing it now at this moment it helps to focus my mind on something else, I have no idea if any of it makes sense.

There are those thoughts, the same dark thoughts that have been there most of this year, they are that though just my thoughts. There is no way I would act on them, it is not an answer or solution to my problems. Still, they are there, how easy it would be, of exactly how. Those deep dark demons that talk to me and scare me that in some ways give me the strength to carry on day by day.

Outdoors

At this moment I need to get out. There is a need to be outdoors among nature, in the woods among the trees. Skins waterproof I won’t melt, the pros far outweigh the cons. I also need to sort my prescription as I am now out of my meds. In the past, I would self medicate with booze but all that does is make me feel worse. A good walk, fresh air away from all distractions, home and cook one of my comfort foods, a wild mushroom and bacon risotto. A salt bath, some music and my book, I am not going anywhere else today, today I can’t adult and be human. I will not put this on others. I truly do give gratitude for those that are and always have been there. Giving gratitude for what we do have gives a purpose, it helps.

I may update this later I may not, let us see how the day goes, day by day hour by hour, live in the moment, take lessons from the past and give gratitude for every small thing you have.

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I am finding it hard to focus and to do anything, my mental health lower than I have ever known. Quite often I can’t even be bothered to tell Alexa to play music, neglecting my mindfulness. As for my reading if I do a page or two then that’s a result currently. I wish my mind was racing and jumping from place to place but sadly it’s numb, it’s empty, cloudy, fuzzy. A constant dull ache that has been there since I started the medication. Painkillers don’t shift it, with the lack of decent sleep I have no energy.

Cancelling

Plans made then cancelled, excuses made hiding away indoors. I truly hate doing it, I try with all that I have but that inner voice keeps nagging away. Today I was going for a walk but cancelled last minute, I had arranged to take Ffion for pizza for tea. The twat of an inner voice was at me all-day, my mental health is not in a good place, this time it was me telling it that we were going for that pizza. Forcing myself out collecting Ffion and taking her for Pizza.

Anxiety

After dropping Ffion back home I had to go to the shop as there was nothing in for tea. I was literally in and out of the shop in five minutes, the convenience of a chicken pie bunged in the oven as I had a glass of wine and watch MasterChef. I felt so anxious in the shop hence just grabbing something quickly with no thought at all.

The phone has rung a few times the last few days, choosing to not answer and reply with a text later. My head just not in the frame of mind to have a conversation with anyone. I truly do appreciate these calls it is just too hard to answer and have a conversation. Today I give gratitude to those special people who I know are there whenever. So another night in by myself, curtains shut the outside world closed from view. Will I be asleep at a decent time who knows, will I sleep when I go to bed, time will tell.

Those are my words for today, for those, I let down recently I truly am sorry. The calls I have not answered again my apologise to you. I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. This current situation will not last and will not beat me, I will beat it and will be back stronger than before. Take care people x

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If we go back to the tail end of last week I was at a high. I had got out even if it was just to the shops. I had bought food, ingredients not just something I could throw in the oven. Actually going to cook something and also cook for someone. Other than me and Ffion which consisted of leek and potato soup is the only thing I actually cooked. I haven’t cooked for anyone in a while, add in I was actually having a visitor. Time in the kitchen is always good for me, it’s my escape my me-time. A slow roast belly of pork, Boulanger potatoes a trivet of carrots and onions that would basically confit under the pork.

Friday ended with a lovely evening with good company and good food. Just a few ciders, not the old habit of kicking the arse out of it. A decentish nights sleep compared with recent nights as well.

Saturday

Saturday started well, for the first time in about six weeks I actually got out and went for a walk. Being outdoors in the woods, along the canal among nature naturally lifts the mind as well as the body. During the rest of the day, I caught up on the mundane that has been left, the washing, hoovering etc. Spent the afternoon watching the rugby before a trip to the shops and to pick up Ffion and Frank. My mood always lifts when I have them here, my natural antidepressants for the highs and lows. Yes, its the middle of November and yes I am indeed the Grinch, so what else would me and Ffion do except watch Christmas films. Before anyone starts no the tree is not going up, it is staying in the attic for the time being.

When Ffion stays she has my bed, though she has her own bedding that has to be put on. The sofa is my bed with Frank pushing his luck most of the night trying to get on the sofa with me, at over 27kg he’s not the best thing to have on your feet while trying to sleep. As is normal at stupid o’clock Frank decides it is time to wake up and to tell me he wants to go out. A large wet Bassett hound nose in the face at 5 am is definitely not the best alarm clock.

Out with the dog highs!

Throw on a jacket and take him out, it is absolutely freezing with a hard ground frost under a crystal clear sky. Back in the warmth of the flat and Frank goes straight to sleep. I have a brew and read a little before dozing back off to sleep waking at 8ish.

Sunday

For the first time in I do not know how long I planned on doing a proper Sunday roast, the only thing I had done since moving in was a roast chicken dinner. A whole shoulder of local Welsh lamb was the order of the day, the lamb had been marinading in garlic, rosemary, thyme, lemon juice and olive oil, few anchovies would be added when it went into the oven for a long slow cook. Unusually for a Sunday Fffion was staying over with Frank so I got out for a walk with him. After six hours in the oven, the lamb was done. Many of you know Ffion’s diet is rather limited so no Sunday roast for her opting for a sourdough pizza instead.

Caught up with last weeks episode of the new Attenborough series before we watched this week. I cherish every minute that I spend with Ffion.

Monday highs and lows.

Monday was a bit of a non-entity. A walk with Frank during the day before taking him and Ffion home at teatime. Whenever I take her home I have a bit of a slump and this actually kicked in while driving her back. After getting home a quick shepherds pie using some of the leftover lamb sorted out the problem of tea.

Wasted time lows!

Wasted the evening watching shit telly with a couple of glasses of wine, next thing I know its 2.30 am. My sleep pattern is all over the place at the moment and I know I won’t get much more than about 5 hours of sleep. Sure enough not long after 7 I am wide awake though I have no inclination of getting out of bed. I lay in bed not actually thinking of anything not wanting to get up and do anything. I feel alone, agitated, anxious. Why do I let myself do this, why waste a day just laying in bed, why waste my time not doing anything. The thought of actually going out makes me pull the quilt closer to me, here I feel safe, warm with no anxiety. Anxiety is not something that has ever bothered me until I started these antidepressants.

I finally get up around 11 but only move from the bed to the settee. I read, listen to some music, apply for a few jobs. Another shepherds pie as I made two yesterday. Cups of tea and Christmas biscuits while watching Masterchef and Rick Steins secret France as I check the web for Wales score in the football. By 11 I am in bed but I see each hour until 2. I can not get to sleep no matter what I do. Next thing it’s just gone 7 and I am wide awake, less than 5 hours sleep again.

Today I have tried being active, showered, hoovered, tidied. Had an appointment early this afternoon which went well. Going to make a curry with more of the leftover lamb and go for a walk to clear my head.

Journaling

I am going to try and write each day as a journal as it does help me with the lows. So a mixed few days of highs and lows but I am still here. Tomorrow is a new day as they say.

The post Highs and Lows appeared first on Ian Callaghan.

The Universal credits system is a total and utter farce with little to no help, due to incorrect reporting by HMRC I have had no money at all for two months, the only way I have had money for food etc is by selling my possessions, I have rent arrears and am now threatened with a notice of repossession by the housing association.

I have made an appointment for the doctor regarding my current mental health the earliest appointment is the 21^st of the month, I have rung over and over to attempt to get an earlier appointment explaining its regarding my mental health but there is nothing available.

I have applied for an emergency discretionary payment but have not been successful, it seems I do not know how to work the system in ways others seem to be able to.

I have applied to the council for assistance and am waiting on feedback from them.

On average I apply for about half a dozen jobs a day, I do what I can but I am slowly losing the will.

My sleep pattern is all over the place, I have little or no desire most days to do anything other than chase DWP and apply for jobs, when I do get out for a walk it does help for that brief period of time that I am out, I do my mindfulness and again that helps to clear the dark shit that rattles around in my head.

I am lucky I do have a few close friends that I can and do talk to and for that I truly am grateful.

I can totally understand and see why people give up with the farce that is Universal Credits, they tell you to update your journal and then do not respond, you get passed from pillar to post and get no clear answers from anywhere.

I have no idea where I go from here, no idea what I do, the system is fucked and those above give no fucks at all, they are all so far detached from reality that its quite scary, they say they care but its just news piece talk, they say they are tackling mental health again news piece talk, they say they support veterans again news piece talk, veterans care is left to the charities such as SSAFA, RBL, etc.

As men we are told to man up, grow a pair etc.  If you have never suffered please don’t judge it can and does affect anyone from the richest to the poorest, from the most highly educated to those with no education.  Race, creed, background it holds no bar. 

There is no reason why I find myself depressed in this position, I have never been here in my life this is, without doubt, the worst year in my life.  It will pass and things will improve, I will not be depressed forever, it is just that at this moment in time I can not see when or where it will happen.

I find that writing things down, journaling does help me I don’t care if anyone else reads it or what others think of my situation, as they say there but for the grace.  Like I say it can and does affect anyone.

The post Depressed appeared first on Ian Callaghan.